jesus christ, i'm scared

wow wow.

so i'm doing a january session at my school right now and i don't have classes on fridays.
ZM is doing a january session at his school and only has class mondays and wednesdays.
since my roommate's not at school this month, the past two weeks, he's come over wednesday night and slept over, and i'll get up and go to class and then come back to him. it makes me feel like he's a part of my life in a way that he doesn't usually get to be due to the distance.
however, we like being able to spend time together so damn much that the past two wednesday nights, we haven't gotten to sleep til 6:30 in the morning, and i have to wake up by 9 to go to class.

my sleep schedule's been fucked because of it. i called it a night and went to bed yesterday at 5:30 pm. woke up at 12:30 am and i've been up since. i'm exhausted, but sleeping just hasn't felt right.

i played some video games and washed dishes and watched tv and made tea... and i was also ravenously hungry so between 1 am and 8 am i ate 2 hot pockets and a bowl of pasta. and then i was still hungry, so i thought about having some poptarts when i realized that breakfast was open on campus so i should go eat the meals i've already paid for and not use up the food that i'll have to buy again to stock my house. the dining hall's kinda like free food, right?
so i figured fuck it, i'll go to breakfast. i turned off the tv, went into my room to get dressed, and suddenly saw my reflection in my mirror as i entered my room.

i stood there, looking at my flabby arms and flabby hips and flabby self, and promptly decided not to go to breakfast. or to eat poptarts. i climbed into bed and tried to log on to prettythin, like i used to 3 years ago.

it's been barely more than 3 years since my eating disorder suddenly began one day. it started with the old diet AD and i used to do in high school and spiraled. i just woke up one morning knowing i was absurdly fat and needing to do something about it, urgently.
and it's been almost 2 and a half years (in late february) since i suddenly realized i would be leaving all the delicious food in NYC and started eating normally without conscience.

so i've been eating relatively normally for over two years now...
and i've been at a pretty stable weight to my knowledge, though i haven't weighed in months, too afraid of the trigger.
every once in a while though i feel like a fucking whale and convince myself that i'm done eating for pleasure, i'll only eat what i absolutely need to... but then, within just hours, my hedonism gets the best of me. it looks like health but feels like an inability to say no to myself.

lately, the mood is coming more frequently. though i have a loving boyfriend who finds me unreasonably attractive, lately i've been disgusted with my appearance.

there was a time in my "recovery" when i could look in the mirror and think damn, i look good. i could even do that naked. there were times i thought i was really out for good.

now, i'm so afraid i'm back in. i don't want to be, i just want to look good. i just want to not feel like a sorry sack of lard next to my fit boyfriend. i don't want to feel like i can't walk around confidently, like i could for a while. i feel like my "recovery" has gotten out of control. i don't want my attempt to gain control to get out of control either, though. but i have no idea how to try to lose weight safely, without triggering myself. the gym is a trigger. counting calories is a trigger. telling myself no is a trigger. everything spirals into i'm horrible, i'm fat, i'm a blob, i'm disgusting, i'm a lazy pig, i'm a failure.

i don't want to drag ZM into my goddamn insanity from when i was sick. as exhausting as loving HB was, i'm sure i was nearly as exhausting, if not just as exhausting in a different way. i don't want to be a source of exhaustion for ZM.
at the same time, ZM's got some red flag habits too, and i've told him this. it doesn't seem like he eats enough. all his friends and family keep talking about how skinny he's gotten. he lost a noticeable amount of weight right before i met him. i see what he eats and i swear it's not enough, especially since he's considerably more physically active than i am. and he's afraid of bread for fuck's sake. he thinks it'll make him fat. i think he thinks he's fat unless his abs are visible. i developed a fear of milkfat during my ED and that's remained with me ever since. arbitrary fears of certain foods are a huge red flag IMO. so not only am i concerned for him, but i'm concerned for myself, that his habits and behaviors will trigger me. i've even told him this. we've talked about keeping ourselves and each other healthy. i'm not aware of him doing anything for me tbh, but i consistently am encouraging him to eat more. i'm afraid, quite honestly, that him being apparently so concerned with his body makes me feel like the fat one, the ugly one, the out of control one, the lazy one, the useless one, the failure. he's an inspiration, i'm a sack of fat.

mostly, i don't want to do this to him. i don't want him to deal with crazy me, the one who cries over m&ms.
but also, i don't want to feel like hiding in giant baggy clothes so that nobody can see how thick i've gotten. i can't stand being in my own body lately. more often than not i'm ashamed of how i look. i know ZM finds me very attractive still, but i'm disgusted with myself.
he says i was too skinny during my sick days (there are a couple pictures scattered around facebook, plus i took documentation pictures on my computer), and doesn't find that body attractive.
maybe i'll try not to get back down below 125 then. but i'd like to be around 130. i don't know what i am now. i'm so afraid to look.