i don't know why i've had nothing to say lately.
yesterday was the gay pride parade here.
i met up with EB.
oh, i haven't posted since this happened - last week EB texted me out of the blue. we met up that night to catch up and hang out. i was nervous because all summer i'd been trying to decide if i should contact him. i decided not to, a) because i didn't want to risk sparking feelings again by being super close with him, and b) i kind of wanted to see how long it would take for him to reach out to me, if he ever did. the answer is apparently 5 weeks. but it went well.
anyway.
it's so hard not to think about last year's gay pride parade.
it was right after KK's birthday party, so we all went together, and when DG and KK and maybe others found a good place to watch the parade, MJ, CP, and I went on to try to find EB. why did i go with them to meet up with a person i barely knew? because i really wanted to see EB again, if we're being honest. we hit it off so well and then he messaged me on facebook saying we should be friends, and i was looking forward to seeing him again, honestly. it's probably a lot of the reason i went to the parade.
we did meet up after spending forever trying to navigate around the barricades and blocked-off streets, and we didn't even watch the parade. by then it was probably almost over. we went to dinner and he threw cheese at my face. and then we all returned to KK's house, after waiting for EB to put guy clothes back on in a mcdonald's bathroom.
this year i primarily wanted to go because i didn't feel like sitting home remembering how fun last year was.
luckily, my friend SG contacted me and said she was going and did i have plans? so i met up with her and a bunch of her friends and we were there for a bit, and then wandered away from it. eventually we parted ways and once again, i met up with EB, though this time at his house.
i know DE is probably not super pleased with me spending time with EB, because who would be?
and if he could watch us hang out, he'd honestly be even less pleased.
most of the time i'm at his house, we're pretty cuddly. EB loves to be touched (he thinks his brain is wired weirdly) so if i just rub his back or caress his arm (particularly his tattoo) he's in heaven. we'll lie on his futon, him around me or me around him, caressing. it looks pretty bad.
but.
if DE could feel us hanging out, he would know there was nothing to worry about.
actually.
i'm like really proud of myself.
yesterday when i was at his house i actually had a moment of "why did i like you!" in theory i know exactly why - he's an incredible person, honestly. he is so broken and yet so caring, so compassionate, so concerned, so brilliant, so original, so creative, so unique, so interesting... but jesus christ STOP PINCHING ME WHEN I TELL YOU TO STOP PINCHING ME I DON'T LIKE IT.
it's still great to see him, and we possibly even get along better than we did at certain parts of the summer, but it's like the passion that was initially lacking with DE moved there from EB. i can't adequately explain, i don't think.
i still feel very bittersweet when i think about all the great times i had with EB, like playing guitar at that overlook and him singing and our lingering hug and me being afraid of the snapping sounds, and like that night at the park sitting on the ledge, and like that night in his bed before anything happened, cuddling and kissing faces but not mouths, and like the fourth of july, when he was sad and i walked him to the train in silence, and he reached for my hand and just held it, before i knew how he felt, and like the night we met and poured all our truths to this stranger we barely knew but got to know so well. ...obviously there are many. great times, that is.
i feel like this will be a situation similar to KW, in that even when feelings for the person are in the past, the memories are harder to get over. let's hope it doesn't take so long this time. at least now i've learned to differentiate them.
i've been a little worried about DE lately. i just want to make him happy. and i know i do, but like... i wish i could cheer him up, i mean. but he won't let me. he never wants to talk when he's sad and so i never know what to do, and so i can't do anything about it. he said an awful thing the other day - "i don't know if you can help me. i'm so broken."
i was like wow, i didn't realize i'd accidentally texted EB, whoops. but no.
DE and i also had a conversation about how he's afraid he won't be able to live up to my past boys (mostly just EB and KW, since i haven't said many good things about HF). and so i explained. i explained how EB and i did get along splendidly but his emotional reservedness and reticence were kind of infuriating and crazymaking, and his penchant for self-destruction was frankly exhausting. and i explained how not being an alcoholic/drug addict works nicely in DE's favor.
he expressed concern about KW's sobriety and how if that was a big reason we broke up, how does that effect now? and i explained that KW and i are donedoneDONE because he's still 17 to me and that's creepy, and his notorious charm is rather ineffective on me now because i know him too well to believe it anymore.
DE seemed convinced by my explanations. i hope he really is.
i'm going down to see him this weekend. i'm very excited.
i'm also very tired suddenly.
maybe i'll sleep.
maybe i'll read more clash of kings.
i'm trying to finish it before next tuesday because that's when i come back from DE's and i wanna leave the book with him because he finished game of thrones a while ago after i lent it to him. i got him hooked, whoop whoop.
i've got 163 pages left. i can do it.
also
i wanna be skinny.
i go the whole day barely eating and then of course once the sun goes down so does my self-control and i become a hoover.
but i weighed myself fairly recently and i actually haven't regained the weight that i lost toward the end of the year. i'm still in the low-mid 130's, rather than flirting with 140....
i haven't been taking my synthroid lately though. i should maybe start again.
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