sex, love, and dates :)

oh hey i'm losing followers would you look at that.
eh. this is basically my diary anyway.

so once again i should be working on a paper right now. i have until august 1st to complete three papers. i have not begun.

but, i had a great week with DE :)
even though a lot of our plans got rained out.

friday afternoon before his parents and grandmother took us out to dinner, we were pouring soda in the kitchen, and we were hugging and i was looking up at him, and then all of a sudden - "i love you."
he said it! my surprise was obvious, all over my face, and i think it was clearly the happy kind of surprised. then i was like oh i should probably say it back so i did and we kissed a little bit and i wanted to kiss more but his family was in the next room, and his grandmother's really old-fashioned.
i was so happy, and so surprised. i was really ready to say it first. he said he would've liked that, but he's also happy he got to say it first.

it feels strangely alien, being someone's first love. like i'm trying to imagine how that might change the way he's feeling things and i can't quite manage it.
i'm also hoping it doesn't bother him that he's not my first... like, i knew i wasn't KW's first love, or first anything, and while i was mostly okay with that, it also made me a little jealous that he had shared that exploratory experience with someone else. like he was my first love, and people always say your first love is special in a way you'll remember forever, but there'd be someone else he'd be remembering ever for that. who'd be remembering him right back. i hope that doesn't or hasn't occurred to DE. because it's the kind of irksome thing that there's really no resolving. and i have perpetuated the cycle.

while alien, it is also great. i feel so lucky. :)

monday, while his parents were at work and we had the house to ourselves, we had sex for the first time. DE was worried he wouldn't know what to do, but i was like "no, trust me, you know what to do." because really, instinct kinda takes over and you just do what feels good, right?
it seemed to work for him haha.

...except that it didn't occur to me to treat it like it was my first time too. because after almost 16 months, i bled.
and hopefully when he visits me in like a week and a half, i'm healed.

it was a great week with him though. tuesday i didn't get out of my pajamas, wednesday the event of the day was a giant family dinner + me (which was actually really fun and okay not all that giant, but compared to my family of 2, 8 is enormous), thursday there were crazy storms all day and so we couldn't go to the park we were going to go to, but we watched twister instead, and friday i left.


saturday his parents went with us to annapolis and we did a little window shopping, visited some places we visited on our school trip, and took some pictures. there's an old picture of DE on his mantle that he really hates (so naturally i love it), and his mother took some pictures of us to replace it. which i feel is a little awkward, i'm gonna be up on the mantle in my boyfriend of almost 6 months/a little more than 4 months's house. i mean obviously i hope we're together for quite a while longer, but... i don't know. i feel like that's weird. not in like a bad way... you know what, i'm just gonna shut up.

anyway, sunday we finally went on our first official date. the restaurant was more casual than i had hoped, but it's really hard to find nice restaurants around where he lives. i don't know why. everything so family-oriented i think. our date was also off to a rocky start for a couple reasons i've now forgotten, but they include him feeling bad about the restaurant, and the weather, and the restaurant being surprisingly hard to find. but once we sat down, all my irritation vanished, and i was so happy to be sitting there with him. suddenly what seemed like it would be a kind of catastrophic failure of a first date was the best thing ever.



i could talk about more stuff, including body and food stuff/revelations, but i should really get back to work, and i'd much rather have my head filled with thoughts of happy times with DE rather than confusing thoughts about my body.

yeah.