sex, love, and fatness.

wow.

so, of course right now i should be writing a paper. my professor gave me until august 1st to complete the three papers from my first semester course, and if i do not complete them, i will have to repeat the class. i do NOT intend to repeat the class. i already have my schedule all completed, and aside from one of my classes being at 9:10 in the morning three days a week, it's pretty much my dream schedule.
m/w/f:
abnormal psych (the early one)
social psych later that afternoon (which means ample nap time)
t/r:
computer graphics in the afternoon (huzzah, late start days)
life drawing after that.

i know i'm a bit crazy, taking life drawing after my first drawing class made me nearly want to quit life... but also, no other class has ever made me feel more proud of myself. high stress, high reward. i'm excited to get better, as i'm sure i will. also i love the professor.

i also think people from my high school are the only people in the world who abbreviate thursday as R but hey that's what it was on our schedules.



anyway
major development


i'm going back down to DE's friday for my week visit, and then the next weekend JB and i are going down to dc to visit KK (sadly DG will be out of town, but it's the only weekend that works).

last night out of the blue DE asked me how long i needed to be regularly taking my birth control for us to have sex.
i can't even. i told him 2-3 weeks maybe, but obviously a condom makes that irrelevant, and then was actually dizzy with excitement waiting for his response.
he was like "i think i'm ready."

so we talked about it. it wasn't as out of the blue as it seemed, apparently, he'd been thinking about it for a while and when i was at his house the other weekend he started to think he might be ready for it. and now he's decided he is.
so when i go visit, i'll be bringing myself, 9 days worth of clothes (maybe less and i'll do laundry there actually, 9 days is a lot of clothes...), and some condoms so that we can not be afraid of some super bad luck.

i'm also pretty nervous myself. it's been SO long since i last had sex, i feel like a virgin again pretty much. and i've never been with a virgin before, so how do i make it special for him? i mean, he's a guy, i doubt he has fantasies of rose petals and candles and shit like that. also, given that i'm the one with any experience and he knows it (though he doesn't know how much exactly), i'm afraid he'll expect me to be all-knowing and good at stuff and i really don't know that i am. i mean, in the grand scheme of things, i still am relatively inexperienced, it's just that next to a virgin, i am the experienced one.

i explained my feelings to him and he said that he's excited, but also nervous as well because he's worried he won't be good (probably true, i've never heard of any guy being a master their first time, but i really don't give a shit about that). but he says we'll try our best, and that as long as he's with me it will be special :)


i'm also wondering what this means about his feelings for me.
way earlier when we talked about sex i said i'm in full support of someone's first time being with someone they love. who loves them, too, obviously.
i can't help but wonder if he's disregarded this, or has taken this into account.
i mean
he's never been in love before. he doesn't know what it feels like.

i do, and i think i'm ready to say that i love him.
and since i've reached this point, i've been trying to decide if i should just tell him so he knows, because if you love someone you should tell them, or if i should wait for him to figure it out and tell me first. i really don't know.

but i also want to tell him i love him before we have sex. i thought i'd have longer before then. but now suddenly it's next week and i don't know what to do.
my first instinct is to just say it. but i want to make sure he doesn't feel like he has to say it back to me. i'm confident he'll get there, but i'm just faster i guess. but then honestly i'm concerned that'll make him feel awkward about sex somehow, if i love him and he doesn't feel the same way right away.

i don't fucking know.
i think i'm gonna tell him.


meanwhile, why is everything on the internet triggering me. i just read an article about guys preferring "more meat on the bones" than model-skinny women. and that's probably me. 5'9" and 138 (ugh) pounds. i am definitely curvy in the traditional, pretty much hourglass sense. i mean, 35-26-36 is pretty hourglass, no? BUT I AM STILL SO GROSS.
I AM WOBBLY AND GROSS
maybe i just need to get toned up?
no. i want to get back to 120 pounds or so and see how i feel from there. i looked so much better than this flabby mess. god, thinking about my body makes me want to barf. i wonder if i can convince KK to send me some of the pictures from last summer, at the beach where i met EB. i was about 125 then. i can show DE and be like seeeeee i looked better.
it's moments like this when i wanna ask EB what he thinks, honestly. he saw me at my skinniest and now he's seen me at this weight, but i feel like that'd be inappropriate. not to mention i told him i was better. (on the outside, i am.)
but i don't know. right now i'm hungry but i can't eat, not after seeing that number (i just weighed myself, 138.4). i want to cut because i'm so fat, but i won't. .....i really really want to though.



i wish i could lose 10 pounds before going down to baltimore.
i wanna be good enough.
i wanna be pretty enough.
god, it's been so long since i last had sex. i hate that i'm gonna be so fat when i finally get the chance again.