love, and eb moving on

i had a wonderful week with DE here in the city.

but on his last day here, sunday, i checked facebook and saw that EB and CP are in a relationship.
i was shocked, almost. i have kind of wondered why nothing was happening there when they're around each other all the time, and EB posted something on her wall not long before that raised my eyebrows...
i found myself thinking that i truly am happy for them, happy for him in particular that he's finally over his ex.

and then i kept replaying in my head all the times EB told me that he really loved me and he really cared about me and he really wanted to be close to me but he just didn't want to be in a relationship and he didn't know how and he's broken. and all i ever wanted was to fix him.
and then CP did.


i've gotten past it more in the past few days. i know that time healed him, too. it's now been almost two years since his last relationship ended.


what's eating at me is that it's gotten me thinking about other things.
i'm so happy with DE, i really am. i love him so much and he makes me so happy and he loves me and i make him happy. and he wants to be in a relationship, which is a plus EB never had.

but loving EB honestly redefined love for me. for the first time i noticed a distinction i didn't previously know existed. i learned the difference between loving someone for who they are vs how they make you feel.

i loved almost everything about EB, and for no reason other than it was him. i could have done without the binge drinking and the hopeless sadness, yeah (and the not wanting to be in a relationship). but suddenly i thought it was the coolest thing ever that he played cello. had i ever cared about cello playing at all ever before? no. hell, i thought it was kind of lame. until EB. i liked guys in skinny jeans, until EB. the loose, torn jeans became another thing i loved. suddenly a guy only wearing clothes intended for his gender was the most boring thing ever to me. (come on, break the mold!) i loved how nonsensically he could speak, silly ways of putting words together to respond to things. he was brilliant and astoundingly compassionate. ..he is, i should say. i suppose that hasn't changed.

did i also love the way he made me felt? mostly, yeah. a lot of the time i felt like he was too good for me. or i was worried out of my mind about him, or sad he couldn't see the incredible person i saw whenever i looked at him. but sometimes he made me feel beautiful, and sometimes he made me feel loved. he made me smile and laugh and feel warm and fuzzy. until things started falling apart, he always made me feel wanted, just not as a girlfriend.

it bothers me a little that he's going to make someone else feel that way. all the ways he wanted me and more, he's going to want CP now. his birthday's coming up. last year he wanted to spend it with me, this year he'll probably spend it with her. he said i was the most beautiful girl in the world. was that second to her? (i know, perception of beauty changes when you're in love...) he told me about some amazing dates he took his ex-girlfriend on. he'll take CP on more.
(also i'm legitimately upset i won't be discovering new music by hanging out with him anymore.)

what bothers me more is that now i can't ignore the difference between the two types of love. KW and HF were loves based on how they made me feel. (even when they made me feel shitty, i loved them for when they didn't.)
and then the inevitable question arises: which category does my love for DE fall into? i know what i want the answer to be. but i think it's the same as all my other relationships have been. i think i love him for how he makes me feel more than who he is independently of me.
maybe it's because i've never loved him outside of our relationship. i've never viewed him, within the context of love, as someone independent of me.
obviously there are plenty of things about him that made me like him in the first place, like his laugh and his smile and his caring nature and his sympathy and empathy and he plays guitar which is a plus and also he's completely my physical type and has strong nerdy aspects... and i'm smiling writing all this.
but, he's not changing my ideas of what is awesome. i'm not playing video games because he likes them (although there are some i'm tempted about...), i'm not downloading music i hear him play (we do have very different tastes...), or reading books he really likes (i'm not into historical fiction, but i wasn't into fantasy either...).
i don't think it's now the coolest thing to wear a class ring (although he does make me wish i'd bought one). i wish he'd wear more than just black guitar/guns n roses shirts, and i still think his jeans are too baggy (or maybe too intact). i think it's funny that he carries a comb in his pocket, and handy, too, but i'm not gonna view other guys as inferior because they don't. i don't care that he doesn't play the cello, but i think it's extremely telling that i'm still admittedly a bit disappointed that he only wears guys' clothes.


i want nothing more than to love DE so purely, the way i loved EB. will that develop? i hope so. i can be mostly happy with the way i feel in the meantime, but now that i've learned the difference, i can't just forget about it.
and i can't shake the feeling that EB's sort of love is rare.

but i am so devoted to DE, i want to feel that feeling i felt for EB again, but for DE. i want to think everything he does is awesome and super cool.

and then i wonder what kind DE feels for me, and can't help but bet it's the same i feel for him, since i think the other is so rare...





anyway, that's what's been going on this week, and that's what's been eating at me.

maybe soon i'll make another post about my life....
as if that's interesting.