the inexplicable sadness

i haven't had anything to say lately.

i don't remember what i posted last time either.

i'm back on campus, my house is awesome.
my room is nicely sized, got space for everything.... except food, tea and my extensive nail polish collection.

today i remembered that the reason i started wearing nail polish again was to cover the constant blue tint of my nails when i wasn't eating.

now i'm so fucking fat and god damn worthless and a failure and other shit that it doesn't even fucking matter, it's just a pretty little decoration.

at least something on me will look nice.



today's been a rough day. things have actually been getting increasingly more rough.
i'm sad a lot.
i want to be around people, i want to do fun stuff, but i also don't. and then when i feel the slightest bit unwanted i withdraw. did that three times today. was gonna do stuff but then said eh never mind.


trying to get dressed today was hard, too. i put stuff on and i just looked so fat in everything.
weighed myself - 138.8, in clothes, while on my period. so.... not horrendous... that's about where i've been lately.



FUCK I HATE MYSELF
WHY DO I LET MYSELF GO LIKE THIS


i relapsed tonight. hadn't cut since late february.
now i have again.
i don't know what DE is going to say.
i didn't want to disturb him. i didn't want to bother him, burden him, interrupt the fun he was having over with the new freshmen.

i'm afraid he's gonna like them more than me.

i suck.
why would he like me at all anyway.
i'm boring and worthless and stupid and dumb and fat and no good and just a waste of fucking space. too much space, because i'm so damn fat.


i don't deserve anyone.


there's this website - how to help with low self-esteem.
a lot of it is about changing your self-talk. stop saying things like "i should" or "i ought" or "i never" or "i always". but i can't even get that far because it's all true. it's not self-talk it's fucking fact. hah, i wrote fat at first.



the other day in my social psych class we were learning about cognitive dissonance and the self-esteem maintenance motivation - our tendency to want to make ourselves feel better about our choices, and changing our thought patterns to achieve that. my professor said that if we choose between two equally good options we'll tend to like the one we pick more because we want to have made the right decision.
so i was like, "what about times when you're like 'ah i should have chosen the other one'" and she was like well, most people don't do that. you tend to find that thought pattern in people with low self-esteem, or with depression. they have a tendency to work in reverse, and make themselves feel worse.
and i was like ....oh. awkward.
cuz that's totally me.
like all the fucking time.
i beat myself up about everything.
apparently i'm too hard on myself - add that to the list of things that suck about me, woo.


i get a strange sense of security from my knife. just its presence. is that weird?

DE's back, i should hide this. and it.