am i pretty?

happy new year, guys.


sunday morning i'm going down to baltimore to see DE, yaaaay. and as of today (yesterday i guess) i am no longer dating a teenager!
and i'll give him his presents and hopefully he likes them and yes.
and he got me something and i'm wondering if it's another portal thing since he said he's worried i'll think he's uncreative, and last year he got me something from portal for my birthday. also not long ago i sent him a link to a bunch of portal stuff haha.


so,
i guess i'm attractive or something.

on new year's eve, TM's friend E told me (in the context of the conversation, as we're both taken) that i'm quite hot or attractive or something to that effect.
TM, after already establishing that he's not really into me anymore, spent quite some time drunkenly flirting with me in a very strange way.

the other night some of DG's friends went out for his 21st birthday, and i tagged along for the bar-hopping portion even though i don't have an ID. the guys vouched that i'd probably be able to get into some places due to being a hot blonde. one of DG's friends ended up hitting on me pretty hard, even outright saying that he wished i were single.  this morning i woke up to an apology text haha.

and tonight i hung out with KW, who got a little weird at one point... i'm willing to bet that if i were single, he would've tried to hook up with me. but you know what, i'm not particularly attracted to KW anymore... so that would've been awkward lol. anyway he also said i'm beautiful and gorgeous and stuff. in between being a teasy jackass. xp

oh the other day also my friend PM who liked me for quite some time a few years back and still makes it known that he thinks i'm attractive, expressed his opinion once again, but that's really nothing new.

so on my way home tonight i was reflecting on this trend.  it's bizarre. i was talking to JB the other night when i slept over at her house, and her new year's resolution is to love her body, or at least to work on loving it.
and that's a journey i've embarked on, myself.  not really for the new year, as i have given no thought to resolutions this year, but it's a quest i kind of fell into, i guess. i don't think i'm doing very well.

i mean, sure. some days aren't bad. some days i even like my body! sure, it's soft and squishy in some extra places, but hey, look at old naked paintings. the women in it are so squishy-looking. there's an aspect of femininity to it, i guess. my body is kind of soft and feminine, with some kick-ass curves.
...i mean, my legs are too short for my body and therefore look kind of awkwardly fat, and i'm still not comfortable with my belly sticking out, and my upper arms are a wobbly mess....

...i said i wasn't doing very well, didn't i?
some days are still really hard. some days are catastrophically, can't-leave-my-house-because-getting-dressed-makes-me-cry bad.

i don't know.
i'm in a weird place, and i have been for a while.


and so it's bizarre, being repeatedly told that i'm attractive.
then again, i guess i acknowledged long ago that other people find me attractive. it's still so hard to reconcile that with what i see in the mirror.
especially my god damn plain fat face.


i should sleep. got shit to do tomorrow. ugh i'm gonna be so tired.