this morning i awoke at 6 feeling strangely untired. which was a shame, as DE was still sleeping in my bed. but try as i might, i could not get back to sleep. it doesn't help that these beds are really not multiple people sized.
so it's 9:30, i just got back from breakfast.
wound up eating with a girl i met last year, we're still friendly even though we haven't really hung out since that night.
i will probably take a nap soon, but i have a meeting at 1 with the director of the honors program to talk strategy for the LAST paper for my still-unfinished freshman fall semester course. the professor is transferring to a different school in another state after this semester, so it's the last chance to not have to retake that course pointlessly.
i finished the final paper from that course (10 pages about educational models and higher education and our school's values) saturday morning. it's so nice knowing that there's just one paper left, even if it's going to be a pain in the ass.
one of my final course grades is posted - got an A in life drawing. don't know how that fuckin' happened, because the average of all my assignments was NOT an A, but whatever. maybe different assignments are weighted differently? idfk. not gonna complain. i am SO glad to be done with that class.
i had the final to-do list taped on the common room wall in my house - titled "AZ's marathon art session of painfultude" with the SEVEN motherfucking projects i had to complete last week, and when it was done DE told me to draw a middle finger on the paper before i burn it, but i was like heeellll no i am not drawing another piece of human anatomy for as long as i can avoid it.
i have this problem that i haven't talked to anyone about...
there's this guy here, he's a freshman but sophomore-aged. i am attracted to him.
let's call him JW.
the basis for this attraction is stupid. it only really started when i noticed that some of his motions reminded me of EB. but since then i haven't been able to shake it. not gonna lie, i have a bit of a crush.
i know this shit is relatively normal in relationships, and i'm never gonna do anything to put my relationship with DE in jeopardy, but i still feel guilty for it.
it's a bit of lost excitement though, feeling a little more nervous when he's around, feeling like i'm trying to be just a little more witty, wondering what he's thinking. with DE, i don't have that anymore. and i'm happy with DE, of course, and so in love, but it's almost like it's gotten a little boring how comfortable we are with each other. i don't have to be nervous, i don't have to be witty, i can be a complete goof and DE will laugh and love me, which is still super awesome and i absolutely wouldn't want to give that up. so i'm brainstorming ways to inject intrigue back into my relationship with DE, but in the meantime i've definitely got a little crush.
saturday night when my friends and i were at the pub, he was there too, and he was down at my end of the long table, so we got to talking. then it was just four of us, then three, then when my friends went to the coffeeshop he came along, and when we went to ihop at 1 am he came with.
he also volunteered to sit for one of my drawings, so sunday night he came over to stare into space for a couple of hours, and then when i was done with my (decent) portrait he stuck around, tried to do some work, watched a movie, played a game with us.
last night he sat at our table for dinner and then after everyone else left it was just me, him, and this gay guy and we sat talking about casual sex and then it was just us and i don't remember what we were talking about.
and i know he's shallow, he's said it himself. he calls himself an arrogant douchebag, but i also know he's hard on himself, and he says he might transfer to another school, but there's some attraction i can't shake. he's not my typical type. but he is skinny, and he is a nerd.... and i don't know.
there's a girl in my friends' suite that he's good friends with, and i always see them together, and i definitely thought something was happening there, but he's said that he really doesn't find many people attractive, so there's nothing happening there.
he's said that the only people here that he's been attracted to are in relationships =\
....which was the wrong thing to say cuz i keep wondering if i could be in that list.
but he's also said he's totally obvious and awkward when he likes someone so i don't think he likes me, but that doesn't preclude attraction.
i wish he did have something going on with someone else.
and if he did transfer then that would solve my problems, too.
but whatever.
...i had to get that off my chest. i don't want to talk to people about it because i don't want it to get back to DE, not because there's anything for him to worry about, but precisely because there isn't. there's no need to get him upset that i've got an attraction for somebody else when there is no cause for alarm. as someone whose previous boyfriend has confessed that he also likes someone else, it just feels shitty. but i also know it's not the end of the world, and as long as it's not i'd rather not know.
it's almost ten. i'll take a nap.
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