this has kind of been plaguing me i guess.
another JW post. i'm mad at myself for even talking about it, but it's not like i have anyone to confide in.
i'll probably bring it up with my therapist. maybe he can think of why this is happening.
i kind of have this philosophy that i haven't really tested, it just makes sense to me. and that's that when people are in relationships, the crushes they have outside of those relationships are less about the person being crushed on than they are about something that they feel is kind of lacking in the relationship.
like if someone's crushing on this superhot guy with whom they have sexually-charged witty banter and stuff like that, perhaps it's really that they just feel they've lost some sexual energy with their partner.
this is pretty baseless, so i could be wrong.
i've had outside-relationship crushes before. the summer i went abroad between junior and senior year while i was dating KW, i met a guy in my group who i developed a crush on. i didn't really consider it much of a problem because we were only around each other for 18 days and then went back to our separate parts of the country. i found out later that he liked me too. this crush was toward the end of my relationship with KW. things had gotten a bit crap.
then, when i was dating HF, i thought i still liked KW. in reality, i was really not over the memories, because when things were good with KW, he made me feel loved, whereas HF did not.
this is different from those times, because things with DE and i are great... and also because JW's not going to be gone in 18 days.
but following my philosophy, and applying it to my own situation, i feel like the issue is that i'm too comfortable, for lack of a better way to explain it. i love DE, i do, and he treats me better than i could imagine, and consistently, too. and when we have any problems, we can talk about them openly and honestly, and they get resolved. (except this one i guess? does this count as a problem?)
he makes me feel happy, and he makes me feel loved. i adore the way he cares about me. how can anyone be better than him?
i think what i feel is missing is the excitement, the adrenaline. and the mystery.
i get kind of excited when i see JW, because he's not always around, and i never know how our interactions are going to go. it's fascinating learning new things about him, because i know almost nothing. i feel a slight nervous rush, because i don't know what he's thinking, or if he's into me. there's a kind of stress of trying to stay on my toes, be witty and charming without letting anything on, but the stress is not unpleasant. it's a kind of exhilaration that's hard to come by in my relationship these days.
but that's hardly a complaint. i've found someone to be comfortable with, to be comfortable around. i can burp (i still feel awkward, but he doesn't mind.), i can have morning breath, i can tell him that i feel super gross and i need to shower because i probably smell, and he'll say it's fine. i don't have to be afraid when we're sleeping together (literally) that he'll wake up and see my weird sleeping face because i probably sleep with my mouth open most of the time. when i'm having fat days i can grab my belly and squish it and make the belly button talk and he'll just tell me that i'm silly, i'm beautiful, and he loves me. he's sensitive to my insecurities and my scars.
i'm happy with him... but how do i get excited about him again? how do people in long-term relationships do it? is this normal, or does this mean bad things for us?
my feelings with DE are happy and content. DE is the peace, JW is the rush.
i don't want JW, not really. what i want is the sort of reaction i have to JW, but to DE. i don't want the uncertainty, not really. i just want the heart-pounding excitement. the excitement i have now is a slower kind of excitement. like i'm excited to be celebrating a year. but it doesn't make me feel like a silly girl... and there's something fun about feeling like a silly girl.
...except when it makes me feel like a horrible girlfriend.
and then, simultaneous to all of this, i've still been feeling really triggered and overall inadequate for life. i googled "i feel fat" and found a bunch of stuff that said like "when you feel fat it's really because there's another uncomfortable feeling underlying that." i generally feel like i'm pretty decent at introspection, but the only other feeling i can identify when i feel fat (which is increasingly more of the time lately) is an intense feeling of ugliness and self-consciousness, of wanting to retreat into a shell where nobody can see me. but i think that's because of the fat feeling, or hand-in-hand with the fat feeling, or something. it doesn't seem like there's anything deeper at its roots. i'm just fat and ugly.
today while i was getting dressed i started to feel that anxious feeling, like a pre-panic attack, building in my chest, because i looked at myself in the mirror and felt three miles wide. i quickly changed my clothes.
and then when i entered the dining hall i felt the anxiety again, because i was hungry and hadn't really eaten all day, but also felt like shit about myself so i didn't want to eat.
i ended up eating a lot later, so now i still feel like shit, and the feeling is back.
i feel scared.
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