random shit

i'm lying in bed and i have class in less than six hours.

DE and i have made our own valentine's day since ours failed so hard.
it was really a mess.
i was kinda bummed all day because i really did want something for valentine's day but it was too stressful for DE.
and he had a three hour night class for which he had to prepare to lead the class so that sucked up his day and evening.
and so i hung out with other friends (including JW) and some of us got drunk and played kings and JW wasn't even drinking but took off his shirt anyway due to some rule. (i kind of think he just wanted to.... i can't blame him. Mmph.)
and apparently then DE was upset because i wasn't spending the night with him when he was done with class.
it was just a mess. we cried, we confessed, we set a new date to try valentine's day again.
i kind of think this is more romantic.

so when i get out of my watercolor class he's gonna pick me up and take me to dinner.

meanwhile, everything else is going to shit.
i've been so triggered lately. i went to the gym (used my new inhaler... i think it's at least partially effective) sunday and was so afraid of people laughing at the stupid fat girl who doesn't know what she's doing.
planning on going at least semi-regularly.

so that's been hard for DE too since he didn't know how i'd react to chocolate or dinner.... i told him i wouldn't count calories from him. (i'll do my best.)

also, school is causing me so much stupid anxiety for no reason.
i got a motherfucking 4.0 last semester and yet feel utterly ill-equipped for my work. objectively i know it's not more than usual or harder than usual... the only thing that's different is how i feel about it.
but i'm clueless as to why this is the case.
i had two short papers to do tonight... nearly had a breakdown instead. sent an email to the professor (1 psych professor, 2 classes) explaining the situation. hopefully he's understanding.

on the JW front, DE used JW saying i was pretty as evidence to calm me down during a triggered episode recently, since JW is notoriously shallow and has high standards. that is apparently something that came up during bro-time way back when (a few weeks ago).
and tonight i was collapsing in my chair due to badly-coped-with stress and i think our friend NT told JW to poke me in the side because JW said "she already dislikes me, i don't need her to dislike me more."
on the one hand, guess i'm relieved that i'm not obvious about my attraction.
on the other, i hope i'm not giving that impression, really. :(
he just says some ignorant shit sometimes (about gender and sexuality and sexism) but i don't hold it against him and i'm happy to educate.
i hope he doesn't actually think I don't like him. especially since i drunkenly told him straight up that we should be friends. (to which he replied "we aren't friends?")

anyway.
i sleep, finally. i'll get about 5 hours.