stress and suckiness

i find i don't really have anything to say, nor do i really wanna say anything.

i'm stressed, very stressed. also caught a cold from AD when i was back in new york.

spent my first day back in a hospital because EB somehow drank almost an entire bottle of rum and we had to call an ambulance. we were there for almost 12 hours, even though he was pretty ready to go like 4 or 5 hours after we got there.

it was absolutely exhausting.


all in all, really lovely to see him again though.


i had a shitty couple of days back here though... wanted to die and whatnot, looked for other schools to transfer to... but then i realized, there are things i actually like about this school that i might not be able to get other places. so i'll try to tough it out through the semester at the very least and then consider other things perhaps.

i don't really wanna talk about why i wanted to die. ignoring that for the time being. it's no big deal, just pessimism and hopelessness.



it's a lot easier to not eat back home.
or maybe just around EB. either way, i did very well.
EB had to force me to eat some pasta at one point because if i didn't it was going to be almost 48 hours without food. (it was right before we went to sleep very early after coming back from the hospital.)
i didn't want it. but he wouldn't stop and he needed rest so i choked down as much as i could. then he made me eat 12 more pieces. he even watered down some tomato sauce for me, which i thought was very sweet.


i'm proud of myself. i didn't go too overboard. i probably lost a couple of pounds. i'm still too scared to check. i don't like seeing it over 130. well, i don't like seeing it over 125 either but 130 is especially panic-inducing.

today i ate almost nothing except a handful of nibs, my vitamins.... and then we went to ihop and i ate cinnastack pancakes and hashbrowns and that was probably 900 calories at the very least. -deep breath- but at least it was on an empty stomach so it's not like it's being added to other stuff.

i'm trying to do a better job of taking my synthroid, too, so hopefully that starts helping again.





i have so, so, so much work to do.