he met up with a former fling today, though he had made it clear to her that he's moved on and found someone else. when he was telling me about this, he said that she'd had a question for him but couldn't ask because he's with someone. and i was like ...but... you're not technically with someone exactly. and he was like "well would you be okay with me making out with another girl?" and i had to think about it.
and i can now say that no, i would probably not be okay with that. so i told him that, and he said "yeah same here with you. i mean i've been operating under the assumption that even though we weren't actually together we weren't gonna see anyone else right?" and i said yes, but that i wasn't sure what the difference is between that and actually being officially together in a real relationship.
he said that he basically feels like we're in a relationship already, but without the label. but that not having any type of official label is starting to get to him.
so we talked about us actually dating. he asked what problems i had with it. i told him that i was super afraid of what would happen if it ended, what with us having the same friends and planning on living in the same suite next year. i told him that i'm scared, because none of my past relationships (including pseudo-relationships) have gone very well, and i really don't want to lose him or what i've established for myself at school.
then i asked him a lot of questions.
yes, he really wants to date me.
he doesn't really see anything difference between whatever we are now and officially dating, other than getting to call me his girlfriend when he talks about me.
and yes, he'd really like to do that.
yes, he thinks we'll work, but there's only one way to find out.
i asked him why me and not other girls, but before he could answer, KW called.
random, right? and what fucking unbelievable timing.
KW and i had a nice little chat, full of our regular teasing, and it was really nice. i even explained to him his incredible timing.
then i got back to talking to DE.
the question was still on the table.
he always says he doesn't do very well with words, but i made him try his best.
You make me happy. Whenever I get a text or message from you it always brings a smile to my face. You always have a kind word or a hug or whatever to make me feel better when something's wrong. You make me laugh all the time and you're so fuckin adorable :P I hate not being around you, this week has been really fucking weird because I don't really want to be at school but I really want to be with you. Trying to type this is killing me cuz I'm so shitty with words and I really want to be able to put my feelings into words but I don't know if I can do that well enough.
i think that's a pretty okay response, huh? haha.
i sat there beaming. you know those moments when you're so overcome with good feelings that you feel like you're pressurized and likely to explode? or is that just me?
i still think it's interesting that i tried so hard to be enough to make EB happy, and there i go making DE happy without realizing it.
eventually we were back to the question of what we are.
i told him that i don't really want to decide to date over skype. he told me to take a few days to think and we'll revisit the subject when i get back to maryland on sunday.
i asked if he had any questions for me.
he told me that his previous concern that i'd get bored of him has been mostly dispelled, which is fantastic progress!
and then he asked what about him do i like? what got him onto the much smaller (in comparison to the list of guys that have liked me) list of guys i like?
and i may consider myself a writer every now and then, but this is the area that my way with words never seems to measure up.
but here was my best shot:
i like that i can talk to you, and i like that we can also not talk. and you're incredibly sweet and caring and kind. and you make me laugh, even when you also sometimes make me facepalm. you're on my list because i always want to talk to you, and because you can make me want to be back in the shit hole that is our college town because it means i get to be with you again. talking to you makes me smile, and being with you makes me smile, and thinking about you makes me smile.
and basically i was on such a high after that conversation.
i can't wait to see him again on sunday.
that passion that was irritatingly absent? i think it's falling into place.
....and yet i can't ignore EB. we haven't spoken in a while, but surely we'll talk soon. i told him to let me know about his trip to abu dhabi that he's on this week.
i know nothing will happen there, and i'm moving on. but the last relationship that i began when my feelings for someone else hadn't subsided resulted in me cheating and i never want to do that ever again, not to anyone and especially not to DE.
i'm also afraid that if i start a relationship with DE so relatively soon after being so obviously devoted to EB, EB will think i wasn't serious about my feelings for him. when i so, so was.
when i asked DE if he had any questions for me, i was kind of hoping he'd ask me about EB, so i could explain without having to bring it up myself.
i don't know what to do.
but it's basically inevitable that DE and i will date, and it's probably going to happen pretty soon.
it just can't be on the 17th or the 22nd. those dates are already anniversaries in my head.
my melatonin's taking effect and i'm finally tired.
good fucking night.
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