pathetic piece of shit

i'm having one of those moments where i just want to retreat, retreat from everything and everyone and just hide inside myself, not open up to anyone. self-inflicted loneliness once more.

i don't know why.

i just had a talk with DE, about his mystery issue. he says it's dumb, he says he's just good at hiding it, he says talking about it will make it worse.


i don't want to force him to talk about anything he doesn't want to share with me, but damn, why won't people open themselves up to me like i do to them? aren't i good enough? aren't i worth taking a risk for? fucking same thing happened with EB.
and i know that when DE and i started talking more and getting close, he said something about how he's a very private person and he hopes i don't take it personally. and i said i have experience with such types, and i thought it'd be okay.

but DE has mentioned a few times how years of constant rejection wore him down, and i feel like this is going to be the same thing. when the same thing happens over and over again, it's not just coincidence.

there's no way it could be bad enough that it would actually ruin our relationship. but i also can't know how it would impact my view of him because i don't know what this thing fucking is.



i feel shitty now.

my therapist has said that i require a certain amount of emotional connection and opening up, because i view it as a very intimate thing and it can't be all give and no take. and EB wasn't willing to be open enough, and DE certainly won't be, either.

he went to sleep because he didn't want to talk about it anymore and wasn't in the mood for anything or anyone and decided to go before he accidentally said something hurtful.

before he signed off he did tell me that he missed me, and thanked me for caring. to which i said always, and i miss him too.
and yet i still wound up crying like the fucking weak pathetic person i pretend not to be.

and my response to him was just so reminiscent of EB's... "please stay friends with me?" "always."
and that worked so well, didn't it. we haven't spoken (except a few brief exchanges about the walking dead) since i went back to school.

i don't know, i just want to be alone for a while. wallow in loneliness because nothing's ever going to fucking change.


this whole thing is probably made worse by the fact that i've been awake since sunday, except for the poor sleep i managed to fit in here and there on the uncomfortable 4 hour bus ride home that evening.