so, lots of shit has happened in the ~two months since i last posted.
i pretty much got over my crush on JW. the more i talked to him the more i realized we'd be completely incompatible in every way. i mean, he doesn't even like peanut butter what the fuck is he an alien?
so, that helped.
also he talks about girls all the time, mostly in the "oh she's kind of pretty but her x is too x" or whatever.
the day we got back from spring break, DE and i decided to take a break. we're not technically together right now.
i don't know how long the break will last. a couple of months at least.
i'm sad about it, but this is the only option.
we celebrated our year anniversary over spring break. it was pretty great. but apparently it got him thinking about us and our future and he started to feel like he met me too early. he felt like we were really something serious and could have something wonderful and long-lasting ahead of us and he didn't want to throw that away but he felt like for the first time he was capable of putting himself out there and needed to try: he needed to know i'm not an anomaly.
i understand it, but i wish it didn't need to be the case.
we actually had a huge giant fight last night with screaming and yelling and it was bad, the worst fight we've ever had, maybe the worst i've ever had with anyone but my own mother. in the end, we worked through it.
he called me an angel. he told me that the past 12 years of his life before he met me were full of shit, people basically emotionally abusing him, and then he met this angel who changed his life and showed him that he was someone worth loving. and he said something about being faced with a choice of definitively proving the last 12 years wrong or looking forward to 12 or more years with me.
we've said for a while that we could see us lasting years. i never wanted to put a number to it because i didn't want to insult him or scare him or whatever, but i find that number makes me really happy. he can really see a future with me. a substantial future. and i feel the same way.
so we are planning on getting back together, he just needs this experience in order to have that future and enjoy it. he's doing this for him, but he's also doing this for us.
and it gets hard for me to remember that sometimes. because i understand his feelings, and even felt them a little, too. i missed flirting and wondering and questions and mystery, but i never thought anything would be worth leaving DE. so i figured this would give me the chance to have both. after like 2 hours of our break i decided it was shit and i'd rather be together, but he needs this more than i do evidently.
...we're hooking up still anyway though, and still lovey and cuddly when people aren't around. that'll probably change after a while, as we both start looking for other people, him for experience and me to tide me over.
this is really long i know.
i've been suicidal a lot again.
cut a couple times last night while i was miserable.
i don't really wanna get into it, i'm just stupid.
today though i was out with some friends at dinner and NG (my roommate for next year) told me that someone thinks i'm pretty, but i probably wouldn't be too excited about who it was. and i wasn't allowed to know who it was because she was told that in super confidence but apparently she'd already told people.
eventually, she told me too.
it's JW.
JW, who goes on and on about how there are like no attractive people on this campus.
JW, who goes on and on about his high standards and how he considers anyone above a 9 on his scale to be drop-dead gorgeous and how nobody here lives up to that. (admittedly he did add that of the people he'd been hanging out with that night, i was the closest.)
JW, who picks apart the flaws of everyone he sees.
JW, who claims to not be able to talk to pretty girls.
JW, when i had just accepted that clearly he didn't find me all that attractive
according to NG (who heard it secondhand from someone JW tells everything to), JW thinks i'm like the hottest girl ever. but he said this back when i was with DE, so obviously he couldn't do anything about it. (knowing JW now, i doubt he'd do anything anyway.)
and now i can't stop thinking about it.
i was pretty much cured, what the fuck. i found out that he kind of liked someone else and was only barely bummed, and i found out that he didn't really like that person after all and was only barely happy.
i don't even want to date him. i don't think i actually like him. like if we were anything, it would be the worst ever. do not want. and seriously how does someone not like peanut butter. i always said that it should've been a red flag that HF didn't like soup because soup is fantastic. if that was a red flag, this should be a fucking siren.
i think at this stage, all i want is for him to know that i also find him attractive. but that will probably never come up. the only relevant things come up when we're in a group and i could not say that in a group. he sometimes mentions how he's not attractive and i wanna tell him he's wrong. i would tell him, i really would, if it was just the two of us.
but i also feel awkward because i feel like people would be like omg JW, really? like he's kind of ridiculous. the shit he says sometimes... i can't. i just can't even.
but we played twister and he played shirtless and i was all up next to him after learning that he thinks i'm super hot and EVERYTHING IS JUST REALLY DIFFICULT.
and yet tonight i hung out with him while in my pajamas. my baggy wide-legged pajama pants and a shapeless t-shirt.
i'm not even sure i'd actually want to hook up with him since he's so damn shallow and picky that if he saw me shirtless he'd probably not be attracted to me anymore.
and also i'm kind of like what the fuck he's so god damn picky how is it that i'm like the only one good enough by his standards. really. me. fat old plain-faced me.
speaking of old, i turn 21 in less than 24 hours wow.
i was supposed to have a 15 page research paper due on my birthday but it got postponed THANK FUCK. due friday now. so i really have to buckle down soon but at least i can actually have a little bit of fun on my birthday. probably gonna go to a bar and just have like one drink, pick up something at the liquor store, maybe some wine, maybe some actual liquor. i dunno.
i'm honestly a bit worried that if i can get alcohol whenever i want, i'll want to drink all the time.
so hopefully that won't be the case.
next weekend is spring fling anyway though and everyone drinks all weekend, so.
...i think that's all i've got for now.
i'll try to sleep now. it's 5 am.
and i'll fall asleep with thoughts of DE and JW warring in my mind.
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