caramelldansen

i talked to EB.
he does still like me, that's incredibly reassuring. but apparently this is too much like a relationship and he can't handle the pressure and the worrying about what will happen. so we're going to go back to being "just" friends. i kept telling him i really liked how things were between us, not so long ago, and he says he's comfortable talking more, like we used to, but the kissing and stuff is too much. makes him feel guilty for some reason.

i'm really relieved he still likes me. but i'm still sad about the way things are going.
and there's that nagging voice that's telling me he's ending the physical stuff because i'm fat now and he doesn't want to touch me. and i KNOW that's bullshit. well... i sort of know. i kind of do believe it.


i didn't eat all that much today.... i wasn't terribly hungry when we went to dinner. i did have quite a few goldfish after dinner, but apparently they have far fewer calories than i was expecting.

i stayed under my limit, without a doubt. that's good. i also did some walking today, so that's even better.


i've felt shitty all afternoon, since that conversation with EB. i don't even know why i'm so upset about it. i really don't know. i mean, it doesn't help with me feeling unwanted, but he still does like me, he does.


i don't want to be alone right now.
i've realized that for some reason i really don't like being in my room. i'd rather be in the lounge than in my room. even if i'm still alone, i just don't like this room. i have no idea why. it wasn't always this way.
i'm texting EB so i don't feel so alone.

i've been on the verge of tears almost constantly for like 8 hours now.
i got SW and DE hooked on the walking dead and when we finished the first season and were waiting for the newest episode i went down to the lounge to be alone. i needed to cry. and i did, a little bit.

i also cut a few times, and i plan to do more. now on my arm i've got 4 fresh cuts and a healing one.
my knife's really dull. it's a serrated blade, and i like it, but now no matter how many times i go over the cuts i can't get blood. i used to be able to. and it's not because i'm not trying. i sure as hell am.

i'm still really not psyched about being alive.

however, an old silly song my friend showed me years ago just popped into my head - a tune on pandora reminded me.
it's damn near impossible to cry while listening to it. especially because it's in swedish and so i can't relate to any of the lyrics.

maybe i'll brew me some tea too.
i'm really tired, actually, but couldn't possibly go to bed feeling so immensely shitty.


to keep myself from crying i'm replaying this song and trying to do that dance haha. i'm so glad my roommate is mysteriously not here.


i don't know what else to say. fuck. i want to sleep for like three years.

oo-oo-ooa-ooa