i wanna disappear

i'm so sick of feeling like shit all the time.
my head is full of fantasies about slicing up my arms. i wish i knew exactly why i find it so comforting, cathartic, something.

but i can't. thanksgiving's soon. i'll be around people, they'll see.

that feeling's back. that one that makes me wish i were dead. except i don't want to die. ...i just don't want to live, either.

yesterday was the second day since june 26th that i didn't speak to EB.
things with him seem so different, i feel like i need to rediscover all the boundaries. does he like me texting him, is it okay if i kiss him, does he want to see me, talk to me? does he still even like me?
i'd ask but i'm afraid. my insecurities about all of that made me so annoying.
this time i've got reasons for them and i can't say them because i'm worried he'll take them as just me being ridiculous again.
although given how things are going, how could he blame me for being uncertain about where i stand with him?


i should take a shower. dinner's in an hour.
i'm not giving myself any freedom there. i will have a salad. no tomatoes, because i don't want the vinaigrette to squirt on my dress. if that means i will have just lettuce, so be it.
and fuck dessert.

fuck everything.