trying to remain intact

i'm trying to be more casual with EB in the hopes that he won't hate me. hopefully we'll skype soon and i'll get to actually talk to him.

i cut more. none of it's particularly noticeable. i really want to get back to my arm but i keep finding reasons not to. maybe that's a sign i don't actually want to? i just don't want to be discovered and have to stop or talk to someone about it.

i'm visiting JB this weekend with CP and SF, i can't have them seeing fresh cuts.


the urge is really really bad right now. i need to talk to someone, but i don't have anyone to talk to. i can't run to EB, he's obviously busy with something (and is tired of me having problems for no reason).
also i kind of want to convince him i'm better, happier. he sometimes told me he wished i could be happier, more confident. so i'll try to give him that, fake it. maybe i can make him like me again. because although he says i'm just silly and he's absolutely not sick of me, um, it really fuckin' feels like he is.

in other news, HF has once again shocked me with his kindness and maturity:

"have fun i hope u cheer up at school soon, i don't like u being sad. i kno that we haven't really been close in a while but i wanna let u kno i still care about u and i'm worried about u... let me kno if u need anything"

it feels like he whips out his compassionate caring side whenever i'm not looking. and it's quite confusing, actually.

i meant to post this as my last october post but i ended up on youtube watching random stuff and now it's november.
scary how time passes like that.

also scary how i'll probably cut again before the night is over. part of me feels guilty. part of me feels a huge relief.
i hope EB doesn't find out, or if he does, he doesn't respond by taking that to mean he can cut, too.

i really miss him so much.