fear of loneliness

so. saw EB. we hung out for a few hours, then he made me leave to write a paper.
he says that if i wanna talk to him, we can talk on the phone or email or send letters, but he doesn't like texting and hasn't for a while. he says yeah, he misses me, but he doesn't miss texting me.

he got a new ferret and dyed his hair blue. and all i can think is how i would know these things if we still talked.


i'm realizing that i have to come to terms with the fact that we're never gonna be. together, that is. who knows if he even likes me anymore, and i'm really afraid to ask. but he's got plans for his life and i don't, but i know his plans will not leave room for me.

seeing him was nice, though. we didn't really have a shortage of topics, but even in the old days when we weren't talking it wasn't like an awkward silence. we didn't always need to be talking.
one thing though... he always makes me feel so boring. not by anything he says, just by being so damn interesting. and talented, and smart... i still feel so inferior to him.

but since i left his house i've felt very strange. every once in a while i have a surge of an urge that makes me want to cry, but i don't, really, and it passes. i don't know why this is happening.



i wish i had someone else to talk to, not just him. because i don't, it's really just him. and he's virtually unreachable for instant communication. i guess i'm lucky we became friends after i told him all that stuff the first night we spoke.
i feel so fucking alone. it's an overwhelming feeling, it's a tightness in my chest, a noticeable void, an emptiness i seem to be able to physically feel. and now i'm sobbing.
i suddenly even can barely stand to listen to the songs i just downloaded. they were putting me in such a good mood, i loved listening to them.


i just realized something. and now that it's occurred to me, it's clear that it's so obvious. i hate being alone. even when i want physical solitude, i still like having someone to talk to. now... how do i solve that? because i've clearly been taking that need out on EB for a while now.
when it's really bad i feel my breathing quicken and i get downright panicky. for the love of god, how did i get this way? how do i fix it? i don't want to be this way, i don't. i need to be able to be independent. nobody likes clingy-ness, and that's what this has done to me.




one last thing. i weighed myself, finally. ~134. unacceptable.
today i ate before i went to sleep at 7:something, but then nothing else all day. i think i'll weigh myself again.
132.6. that's better already.



i should either go to bed or do my paper, but i'm more concerned with keeping the panic at bay. online television? maybe i'll try to watch online television AND do my paper. i really should at least start it...

i wish i had someone to talk to.