HF drama of course

i'm seeing EB...today, technically.
i'm fuckin' nervous. what if it's awful and awkward and we're not even friends anymore or something or what i just don't know. i'm super scared, honestly.


ALSO.
apparently HF still loves me.
he sent me a text asking if i'd believe him if he told me he still loved me, i said probably not. he said "fine then, don't believe me."
but really i don't know why he would.
he says he found a way to get past the bad shit i did.
i really don't understand.
and no, i still don't believe it. i think he thinks he loves me because really he's just lonely in england. he goes back today. in a few hours, actually.

and, there's an issue here, as i'm sure you can see.
allow me to describe for you a venn diagram: one circle contains things i should probably do, the other contains things i really really don't want to do. among the many items in the overlap is tell HF i've moved on, i found someone else.
....so i think i'm just not going to.
not unless whatever's still there between me and EB goes anywhere, and if that ever is even a possibility, it won't be for a while. -sigh- but probably never.






HF was at my house the other night, and i was having a mild freak-out episode over something i'd eaten... soup, that was it. and it was obvious, and so i told him that i was mad at myself for eating the soup and he laughed and said that was ridiculous.
i realize that reaction can be interpreted in two ways... but it wasn't mocking, it was more like he thought it was utterly absurd that such a small thing would upset me, like why should it.
in my line-a-day memory book that i've just begun, i'd written "i desperately need to be less fat." and HF took it and wrote "STOP IT. U'RE PERFECT!!"
i even went so far as to show him the "naked photos" of myself i took back in april... the ones that don't show anything, i was really just trying to look at my body, see my bones. although they were among other photos of me kinda camera whoring, which he liked.
...and then he told me what i was afraid of.
last december, i did a stupid thing for him. on webcam. and then we didn't talk for six months. and during that time i suddenly became extremely afraid that he'd taken screenshots of our video chat and would show them to people to hurt me or something.
now, he didn't show them to people, but there are indeed pictures.
he asked if i wanted to see them.
i absolutely do not. i'm sure i look awful awful awful awful awful. i'm almost hyperventilating thinking about how much i hate that those exist.
i'm sure they're a bad angle and i wasn't ready for them so my face must look just horrible and i was so fat then so so fat. about as fat as now, now that i gained all the weight back.

i haven't weighed in forever, i'm so afraid.