final full day

lately i've been completely gorging myself before i leave for college... all the food i'm going to miss when i leave... and i'm also so thankful to get away from it.

but i'm completely a mess now, physically speaking. i must have gained all the weight back. i've been far too terrified to weigh myself. i disgust myself just being in my skin, in my blubber. i'm a vile pile of lard. i can't breathe right now thinking about it.

-slow exhale-

i began packing today - er, yesterday. sunday. two days before i leave. i had to try on a few pairs of pants and they're all so tight... i'll get right back on track once i get to school, i hope. i hope i can find that strength again.






i can't believe i am 27 minutes into my last full day in new york.
i depart tuesday at 1 pm. which'll probably be more like 2 in reality, but i don't want to rely on that.


tomorrow my friends and i are having a triple-birthday-party-scavenger hunt all around the city. what a great way to say goodbye to the greatest home on earth.
i can't believe i'm leaving so soon...
i'm going to miss EB so much.


OH. the other night we both told each other we loved each other.
he's hinted at it, said it in passing... like trying to calm me down during food freak outs ("you don't need to lose any weight because i love you just the way you are") and when i was trying to figure out my scavenger hunt team ("i don't have a team because nobody loves me." "i do.") but i never considered it to be anything really genuine.
and then the other night we were drinking (of course it had to be when we were drunk, pff) and i don't remember why, but he said, outright, "i love you." and i had to ask how he meant. i wanted to come right out and ask if it was just affection or romantic feelings. he told me he meant it in the purest way. i don't know what that means, either.
eventually, some hours later, i finally said it to him too. because i do. i just look at him and i feel it, i hear the words, i feel my soul saying them and it's a weird sensation.
he wouldn't accept it, though. not the reaction i was hoping for. KW kissed me like he'd never kissed me before, i could hear HF's broken heart swell again. i don't know why EB doesn't seem to like my love.


we're still not together, though.
i said to him, "i want you to want to be with me, but i want you to find someone who makes you happy." he said he felt the same way.
really, though, if i get a couple months into college and have met my fair share of people and still can't get him out of my head i'm gonna bring it up again.
not that it won't likely come up in between. we're gonna talk constantly. still. we already do. it's going to be hard not seeing him, knowing he's not just across town from me anymore. or rather, i'm not across town from him.

i can't believe i'm leaving.


i'll be better at posting in college, i swear, but right now i'm oh so busy... things are oh so hectic. i am oh so nervous.


i can't believe i'm leaving.