mcdonald's

i kind of don't have the energy to post right now but i'm making myself.


i slept at EB's new place last night. it was full of half-built ikea furniture. we finished two "kullens" (dressers) today. he sleeps on a beddinge. that word makes me chuckle.


so i didn't eat monday until after midnight (afraid my metabolism would slow), i ate a fair amount tuesday (out with old friends, let myself give in for a day), and then didn't eat all day today. until midnight. ate a fair amount again. probably won't eat much tomorrow because i'll be spending it with EB again.



i was caught in the most peculiar circumstance earlier, in my own head anyway.
i was sitting in a mcdonald's with EB. he was eating chicken nuggets and fries and drinking coke.
i hadn't eaten anything in 30 hours.
i could feel that i was going to binge once i was alone. i kind of planned to binge on mcdonald's. i only ever want their food when i'm binge-triggered.
i was sitting there, contemplating sharing EB's offered fries and suddenly i realized.
i wanted to want them, but i couldn't. a couple times, i thought, "aw, hell, i'll just have some. they're 500 calories total he's already eaten half and i won't eat all of them, why not."
but then i still couldn't.

it made me wonder.... have i gotten to the point where it requires more self-control to actually make myself eat?
i don't think i have, it just depends on my mood and my mindset. and it's so easy for me to continue to not eat. you know, usually.



except being in that mcdonald's put me in binge mode, and going home didn't help. i can only ever stuff my face by myself. sometimes in front of my mother. preferably alone.

i ate a lot when i got home, but surprisingly enough i don't feel too bad about it. i don't even think it went over a single day's allowance of calories (by my standards), and i walked a sufficient amount that i'm absolutely positive it's within a comfortable range. and i hadn't eaten in 30 hours.


i dunno.
i'm tired of this typing business, this sense-making shit.
i'm goddamn exhausted for no reason.


i ate at 1:30.
fuck.