WOO FUN COLLEGE

i ate a lot less today, but i did have five cookies and two brownies. less food in quantity, more food in calories, i think.


i am ready to throw myself fully into everything except the social world. my restriction, my studies, my organization of my dorm.

i got my id photo taken today. i look like a socially awkward ugly obese person. looking at it actually inspires me to start slicing up my arms again, i'm not even kidding. i'm resisting, maybe because i'm lazy, mostly because i don't want to get caught.
this is the first environment i've been in where i actually feel self-conscious about my scars. i'm usually like fuck it i don't care what you think because it's probably true, but for the first time, i'm afraid of being judged for it. at my high school there were a couple cutters, and in my friend group i wasn't the only one, and even HF and EB both have cut in the past. everyone was so apathetic and ungossipy (relatively speaking) that it didn't matter.
but today i was sitting with this guy i went to elementary school with (it's so surreal to be around him again, at college, all growed up) and realized how visible they are, and that i didn't want him to notice. granted they're significantly less visible than they used to be.
it's sick that i miss that.

i also just found out that the little sister of the guy i went to elementary school with (she went there too) killed herself in june.
i've never known a suicide victim; i've barely known any deaths at all. i can't wrap my head around the fact that the sweet, happy little girl i used to know ten years ago took herself out of this world. i can't wrap my head around the fact that she's... ended. i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what to say i don't know what to think. RIP.



i have nothing else to say, really.
i'm not feeling particularly verbose.