a bunch of shitty shit

i just got back to my room. spent time talking with SW and his roommate. his roommate's having drama with girls...

SW noticed my arm for the first time. i tucked my arm and kept talking. that's my strategy.



i'm worried sick about EB. even if i can't help him, i hate being here because that ensures i can't do anything at all, just sit here helpless while he drowns.
it breaks my heart.

i wish i could help him, i wish i had any way to make him happy.
he says eventually it'll get too much for me, i'll hate that i can't make him happy.
i'm scared, and will do my best to put any such feelings off, but i'm afraid he'll be right. on some level, i wish i were good enough to give him what he needs, but on another, i know better than to expect that, and i just want to do whatever i can.
i hope that's the part that sticks around. i hope that's the part that lasts. i hope that's the part that's strong.

he doesn't seem to believe that i love him. he's broken, he says.
it's a feeling i understand, without a doubt. and for that, i am so sorry. i know how that feels and i hate that someone as wonderful as him would feel it too. but i told him i meant it, and even if he doesn't believe me, maybe i'd convince him eventually.

"i don't even know if that's what i want. i'm tired of fucking up people's lives and i don't know that i'm capable of being in a relationship or doing anything healthy. it kills me to admit that because i've been trying so hard and you're such a beautiful and deserving person but i don't know where i'm going or if i should let things happen that way..."

":( no e. YOU'RE a beautiful and deserving person. i just want to be close with you in whatever way i can, however you want me, whatever you're comfortable with."

he insists he's going to ruin my life, no matter how much i tell him he hasn't and he won't.

"yes i already am i didn't want to make you love me i love you but i can't handle this and i just give up."

i told him i'm not sorry i love him. i like to love, after all. and i tried to figure out what he's giving up on.. i was so afraid he'd hurt himself. i told him not to do anything bad. he said he couldn't, he wouldn't. i need to make sure that stays.

"even if you couldn't handle a relationship, please stay friends with me?"

"always."

i'm so sorry he's hurting. i wish he could be okay.

i would love to actually be in a relationship with him. i continue to pray that one day the two of us could both be healed enough so that we're ready to reach that point.

and i'm happy to put aside my shit for him, to attempt to help him, to soothe him, to calm him down... it's even kind of helpful for me, to get that out of my head because he is so much more important than anything.

but then when we stop talking, when he's asleep, or not responding... when there's a lull... i need him.

the thought of purging is becoming more real to me, becoming more tempting, and i need someone to talk me out of it, to talk me down. i can't put that on EB when he's in this state.

cutting, too. the other day i considered doing it anyway and not telling him. but that would spiral. and as far as i recall, i still haven't lied to him (significantly, anyway... there's the classic "i'm fine," of course), and i don't want to change that.

for a fleeting moment today i considered getting help, trying to get better.

but i still feel like i have nothing to get better from, all my issues are fake and i'm full of shit.

i don't want to eat tomorrow. i think i'll try not to. maybe a small snack for breakfast and nothing else.

i wish i were stronger.

 i would do anything for EB. i really would. i wish that fact comforted him rather than make him feel guilty.

okay. i thought of one thing i couldn't do. i would want to, but i couldn't. i couldn't get better.

who would even believe me, anyway?