sick of this

i cannot handle this.

i'm still not used to being here. virtually every night, or every morning, i wake up at some point feeling disoriented. like this isn't reality. like i can't remember what direction i'm facing when my eyes are closed because i don't know what bed i'm in.

this morning - i should say afternoon, i slept until 2. but that's still within the hours of my morning time...
anyway, so this morning i woke up feeling so detached from everything. alone and isolated. waking up at 2 pm in a dark room can do that, i suppose. i don't know if it would have made a difference if the blinds were up.

i still haven't finished my paper draft... the one i was supposed to email yesterday... granted i still wasn't feeling well for most of yesterday, but still... i feel bad... i should really do it and stop writing this blog. i don't even have anything interesting to say.

i'm talking to EB. he's feeling depressed. i told him i'd be back soon, and he said i'd leave like everyone else leaves, for one reason or another.
is it too weird to say i never want to leave him?
fuck, he's drunk. it's not even 3:30 in the afternoon.

what the fuck.


back to what i said.
i cannot handle this.

i want to go home, where i always know where i am, where i don't have to open my eyes to check, where EB's just across town.

"and i really really like you AZ, but you're finding yourself and so am i, and i don't want to cut short the time i have with you in my life but you're not going to be a permanent fixture and i think we both know that, because you have so much to learn and so many people to meet and i'm so fucked up and jaded and lost and i'm such a waste."

if one more person i really care about tells me i'm not going to be a permanent fixture... i swear to god. i don't know what i'm going to do.
i don't need to be told that i am, but specifically being told "yeah i don't think you'll be in my life long" is not fun. if you wanted me there, you could keep me there.
maybe i'm just a freak because i try not to think about the future, or the possible longevity of my friendships, and i just enjoy them being there when they are.