college = work + drama

i am SO bored.

i really wanna go for a walk, but that's not really easy to do around here. everyone has a destination, and everyone knows everyone. in new york, you can just head outside and wander for a couple dozen blocks and you'll never see the same person twice. nobody knows you've got nowhere to go.


i have so much work.

i've finally bought notebooks, so i just spent the last ~2.5 hours copying the notes i'd taken into each class's notebook. why the fuck did it take me that long.

and then i continued rooting through photographs for my design project.
we need a theme.
i'd initially picked new york right off the bat, but going through my photos i have a lot to choose from for water and reflections, too.

OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF THE BEST IDEA FOR THE ECONOMY DEFINITION IN A NEW YORK THEME
that is if i incorporate the definitions into the design. still haven't made up my mind on that front yet.


i've already had drama here with like, the one friend i have.
i mean, i have a few "friends," like AG but we barely talk or hang out, and my roommate and i get along well, but the only person i really talk to is a guy i'll call SW.
we started talking on the facebook group back when room assignments were about to be posted for honors kids, and have continued now that we're here.

i was complaining to him a few nights ago about how EB wasn't responding to my texts (turns out he'd fallen asleep, what a silly boy), and SW stopped me to say that he had little patience for hearing me complain about that, because he kind of liked me.

i've been here for a week and it's already happening what the fuck.

and how do people like me without even fucking knowing me?
SW has no idea how many problems i have, and he's better off not knowing. apparently his little brother's anorexic. he doesn't have to deal with my fucked up pseudo-issues regarding food.

they seem to have progressed fast, his feelings. wednesday night he's telling me he kind of likes me, thursday night he's telling me straight up that he likes me, and friday morning (still pretty much thursday night) it's outright love.
bullshit.


bullshitbullshitbullshit.




and i wonder how EB feels about this. SW'd dropped the first bomb right before EB got on skype so we could talk, so naturally he heard about the news i'd just gotten. he said, "is there any conversation you have that isn't that?" which is kind of fair considering he's heard a bit about my guy friends that have liked me...
i wonder if he's jealous, or threatened at all. he needn't be. really really.


i'm also having a hard time reconciling this with my absolute truth of "i'm shit and nobody will ever love me."
(great, thanks, college, now you're making me want to relate this to my scientific revolutions class.)


i just don't know what to think, about this, me, or anything.

don't these people know i'm worthless? how are they so deceived?


i'm confused and kind of already sick of college.
i have four more years of this?
fuck.