that secret that you know
that you don't know how to tell
it fucks with your honor
and it teases your head
i love this song. i will always be grateful to EB for introducing me to bon iver.
i remember the moment so clearly, too. that whole evening... i was just reminiscing about it earlier.
we went to a kind of "party" at his friend's house... i remember being surprised at the people, they didn't seem like his crowd. but they grew up together. it was there that i decided i didn't want to go home that night.
so instead of driving me to the train, he drove us to a park. a scenic overlook. the aim was to show me stars, what real skies looked like outside the city. it was a kind of cloudy night, though.
and yet we stayed. he tried to teach me a little guitar, he played me a few songs. i showed him a song i liked.
probably sometime around midnight, we left. the echo of his guitar case snapping shut sounded like hands clapping in the distance, or someone stepping on a branch. before we got back in the car, we embraced tightly. even then, i remember loving the way our bodies fit together when we hugged. i think that's when he told me he liked my hugs. i don't remember exactly how he put it, though it's still one of my favorite things he's said to me, because i remember how it made me feel.
he drove. not home, though it was getting late. he drove me around to a few places in the area, showed me an entrance ramp he thought was cool. the roads were nearly empty, and i had no idea where we were going. his zune was playing for emma, forever ago, and it was skinny love that caught my ear. listening to that song (which, for the record, i do a lot) always puts me right back in that passenger seat, on an empty highway at 1 am, on a quiet, calm, isolated night. it's just perfect.
that was the first night we slept together (innocently, guys). i still don't think we've ever cuddled as much as that night. i wonder what he felt for me at that point.
fittingly, another song that puts me back in the passenger seat of his car is passenger seat, the death cab song. that one played when, of course i was in the passenger seat and he was driving me home. i hear that line and i'm back in the holland tunnel.
i'm seeing him again in a month, that's pretty certain. if that gets messed up by something not yet foreseen, i'm going to be one unhappy camper.
originally, when realizing my fall break is a month away, that didn't seem so bad. definitely too long, but bearable. until i realized i haven't even been away for a month.
i could replay the time spent here and STILL have to wait. i wish he could visit, like, now. except that that'd be really boring for him, considering i don't really have many friends still.
that'd also probably drive SW insane.
but i'm going insane without EB. also, my breakfast sandwiches. sudden, intense craving. fuck.
i can't believe i actually managed to fall in love before leaving.
i also think it's funny, because earlier in the evening i just described, we had gotten into a conversation about how guys and girls can just be friends. clearly we'd be a horrible case study.
i keep getting paranoid that EB's tired of me, that he doesn't want to talk to me, that he doesn't love me anymore. i hate that my history has made me so nuts.
so i have to keep reminding myself of the times EB has obviously wanted me, like when he wanted me to ditch people after going to the beach to go sleep over at his house, like when he wrote me that note saying so early on that he might love me, like the fact that he's willing to come and get me for fall break.
i am wanted.
everything will be okay.
...so why do i still want to cut so badly?
we went to a kind of "party" at his friend's house... i remember being surprised at the people, they didn't seem like his crowd. but they grew up together. it was there that i decided i didn't want to go home that night.
so instead of driving me to the train, he drove us to a park. a scenic overlook. the aim was to show me stars, what real skies looked like outside the city. it was a kind of cloudy night, though.
and yet we stayed. he tried to teach me a little guitar, he played me a few songs. i showed him a song i liked.
probably sometime around midnight, we left. the echo of his guitar case snapping shut sounded like hands clapping in the distance, or someone stepping on a branch. before we got back in the car, we embraced tightly. even then, i remember loving the way our bodies fit together when we hugged. i think that's when he told me he liked my hugs. i don't remember exactly how he put it, though it's still one of my favorite things he's said to me, because i remember how it made me feel.
he drove. not home, though it was getting late. he drove me around to a few places in the area, showed me an entrance ramp he thought was cool. the roads were nearly empty, and i had no idea where we were going. his zune was playing for emma, forever ago, and it was skinny love that caught my ear. listening to that song (which, for the record, i do a lot) always puts me right back in that passenger seat, on an empty highway at 1 am, on a quiet, calm, isolated night. it's just perfect.
that was the first night we slept together (innocently, guys). i still don't think we've ever cuddled as much as that night. i wonder what he felt for me at that point.
fittingly, another song that puts me back in the passenger seat of his car is passenger seat, the death cab song. that one played when, of course i was in the passenger seat and he was driving me home. i hear that line and i'm back in the holland tunnel.
i'm seeing him again in a month, that's pretty certain. if that gets messed up by something not yet foreseen, i'm going to be one unhappy camper.
originally, when realizing my fall break is a month away, that didn't seem so bad. definitely too long, but bearable. until i realized i haven't even been away for a month.
i could replay the time spent here and STILL have to wait. i wish he could visit, like, now. except that that'd be really boring for him, considering i don't really have many friends still.
that'd also probably drive SW insane.
but i'm going insane without EB. also, my breakfast sandwiches. sudden, intense craving. fuck.
i can't believe i actually managed to fall in love before leaving.
i also think it's funny, because earlier in the evening i just described, we had gotten into a conversation about how guys and girls can just be friends. clearly we'd be a horrible case study.
i keep getting paranoid that EB's tired of me, that he doesn't want to talk to me, that he doesn't love me anymore. i hate that my history has made me so nuts.
so i have to keep reminding myself of the times EB has obviously wanted me, like when he wanted me to ditch people after going to the beach to go sleep over at his house, like when he wrote me that note saying so early on that he might love me, like the fact that he's willing to come and get me for fall break.
i am wanted.
everything will be okay.
...so why do i still want to cut so badly?
who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?
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