getting closer

tuesday. three days til home.

i've composed a text to EB. i'm waiting to send it until i'm sure he's not taking a final or anything.

it just says, "hey. just thinking about how i'm coming home soon and i hope i can see you. i don't know what's happened, but i miss being your friend."

that's reasonable, right? i think it is. we barely talk. and it eats me up inside.

let's talk about something else.


yesterday was my only day of actual finals. i had a little mini-essay in the morning for my scientific revolutions class, and my psych final in the evening. i missed six out of seventy seven questions and i'm beating myself up about it. i'm a fool, aren't i...
i also completed all the art work i'd missed. i hope i have enough to pass. thursday is our final presentation. shit, i have to prepare. i also told my sci rev professor that i'd complete one paper before thursday. so i must do that, too.
today our final paper for great works is due, but i spoke to my professor and he says, if the honors director permits it, i'll get an incomplete when grades are do and then i have until january 22 to complete the three papers i owe. frighteningly, that includes the first paper, the one i had been working on the day T died. i'll have to get through it, though.

this deal with my professor means that i've turned my school-free break into one with homework anyway, but i believe i can manage. somehow.


trying not to be scared about what my break will mean for EB and me.
failing.

moving on.

i took a fair amount of adderall to get through the brutal all-nighters i've pulled to get my stuff done. i was up for about 41 hours straight, in all. i fell asleep in SW and DE's room at about 1:30 in the morning, woke up around 4:30. went to my own room, fell asleep again around 5:30, woke up around 9:30. why does it seem to be so hard for me to sleep to my usual hours recently? i've been up since then watching online television because there's nothing else to do.

actually, there should be an hour left of lunch at the dining hall. i think i will go, try to eat something.
the adderall i took assisted me in another area, as well. didn't eat at all yesterday. haven't eaten since sunday night. i could go longer, for sheer laziness would let me continue to sit and watch tv, but i'm a little afraid if i wait until dinner i'll snap before then and eat everything in the world.
ah, i'm so torn.

my roommate's still asleep. i'll weigh myself and let that decide.

...
now, when i decided to put the decision in my scale's hands, i didn't really know how to interpret it. if it didn't show progress, was i going to let myself give up and go to lunch, or say i really shouldn't eat? if it showed progress, would i take that to mean i earned myself the right to lunch, or that i should keep up the good work?

129.6. officially below 130, the goal that i'd set for myself to reach by.... well, i don't remember when, exactly. but it was a goal and i've passed it. it's probably not going to last, realistically speaking. i'm totally empty, haven't eaten in over a day and a half, but for now, it's something. it's encouraging.
i might've given in to eating if i were, say, 131. but i reached something. i don't want to turn back on that now.

time for more online television.

ha. i got lost reading past blog posts and found when EB made me eat pasta so i wouldn't go two days without eating. nobody to stop me now.

perhaps i'll even hit up the gym.
you know what? i think i will.