pre-new year resolution

i seem to have gotten myself into something of a manic state trying to distract myself from bad feelings.

i kind of exploded out of almost nowhere at my friend DE. we're chatting and then all of a sudden i'm totally grinching out about christmas and it's much less of a mystery to him now why i hate it and then i even went into all the shit with my dad and then i had to distract myself.

i had an overwhelming urge to cut. and at first i really really wanted to, but then i realized... firstly i don't have my knife with me, left it at college like a dummy, and secondly... it's going to be new year's eve in just a few days. i wanna be able to cut loose (lol pun not intended) and wear the outfit i have planned without thinking of hiding my arm all night.
and i don't want to go into 2012 all torn up and scabby. i wanna start the new year without any fresh cuts. that's my goal. probably not much of a new year's resolution, but that's the goal for the rest of this year.


i sought the help of two people to ease my insanity, and i probably couldn't have chosen worse. i miss the days when i knew EB was willing to help me with anything, calm me when i was irrational and comfort me when i was sad. now it's no use. he's too busy rebelling against texting to help me.
i even texted HF because he knows about my recent cutting and was sweet about it when he found out, although texting him was really an act of desperation. i just wanted to tell someone about my goal and have them encourage me and get me through right now because then maybe i'll make it.

but HF's drinking at some girl's house so i said never mind, have fun, and i'm afraid to be whiny to EB. not that he's the best responder, anyway.


the mania's faded.
i give up. except that i don't, i can't, i won't give in. but god damn it they're only making it harder.