merry fuckin' christmas.

my father's getting married. in february. specifically, the day after february 17th. most people would call that the 18th, but i think of everything in february in terms of proximity to the seventeenth. (thanks, KW.)

he's getting married. he told me this in a text on christmas eve. when i called him christmas night (okay, it was the morning after here but it was still christmas there!) i asked who she was, but i don't even think i got a name, just that he's known her family for a while. or maybe he did tell me her name, i don't remember. she's either 43 (or 42). incidentally, the age my mother was when i was born (or conceived). usually he goes for older women, but eh, this is a change i suppose.

i'm going to have a step mother. and a step brother. thirteen years old. this will probably impact my life in virtually no way. and yet this time i'm aware of it as it's happening and it's so, so strange.
he's gotten married before, since my mother. a woman who seemed nice enough. she had a couple of grown kids of her own. we went to disneyland when i was nine, the only time i ever visited him out where he lives now.
of course, i didn't know they had actually gotten married until recently. i just thought things had ended when she left and took my cat with her.

but now i actually know about this and i honestly wish i didn't.

i can't tell if i'm actually bothered by the thing itself or if i'm just bothered and confused that it doesn't really bother me.
more and more i'm thinking that it's actually getting to me.

and his last girlfriend was so nice... she passed away in june of 2010, i believe. either early june or late may.
i mean, they've all seemed nice enough. my mother, of course, is lovely. but the second wife stole my cat, and another girlfriend tore up my father's favorite picture of me, and i'm always worried about what's going to happen next.

hopefully, of course, it all goes well. my mom says he does better when he's married.


but i just want to ignore it all.

this is not something i've got a precedent for.



and to think, i asked him where he'd be living partially so my mother would know where to serve the court papers so we can finally get the child support he owes.


i can't handle this right now. or maybe ever.





i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
he'll weigh me.
i'm too fat.