fuck justice

i'm meeting up with AD soon. makeshift thursday because she had to work today.


i'm on the god damn jury duty case.
(oh, i got called, forgot to tell you.)
i know it's my responsibility as an american citizen, but hey, i didn't actually choose to be a citizen, did i?
i'm barely nineteen, why would anyone want me on their jury?
...i kind of stormed out of the courtroom. well i tried. i got stuck on my bag and then dropped my water bottle. it wasn't very graceful. but it did give the impression that i was angry.

how can they decide that i have nothing to do for the next four weeks? how can they decide that my life doesn't fucking matter? and no, i don't think most cases are usually that long. but this has four plaintiffs and two defendants, so it's just extra un-fun.
i know zip about money, financial compensation...
and it's funny, how can i focus on some boring-ass case when i'm too preoccupied by what i've eaten for lunch, or what i haven't eaten, or what i'm going to eat, or how all i want to do is go for laps around the block...
it's sick that i'm using this as motivation. if i look emaciated by the time this case ends, they'll feel bad for choosing me.
i know, i'm stupid, nothing will be solved by that. i also can't manage that, because i'm weak.


i ate all my calories for the day before 3 pm. woke up at 1 pm. still ate less than 800 calories.
....food hasn't stayed awful-feeling, if you hadn't guessed.
though my desire's still a lot less than it used to be.



nobody's going to notice my weight loss if i stay at 124 for the next... eternity.
i don't know how much my weight has settled at since the "fasting." haven't had proper time to weigh. i was 124.6 in my pajamas.
tomorrow's gonna be another day of hardly any food.
if i do this enough maybe they'll accumulate, keep pushing me lower before i have time to gain it all back.


at least i'm still underweight.
why is that reassuring?!



raspberry sorbet is the perfect dessert. it's super tasty, and only 110 calories for an entire little container. 110 is no little guilt-free snack, per se (except that it is, for normal people!), but i can't even eat the whole thing at once anyway.



i'm trying to watch online tv but my regular site is down! :(
now i'm never going to know how he met their mother.