get out of my belly!

i used to hear people talk about how they didn't like the feeling of food in their stomach, and think they had very odd tastes.

i think i get it now.

i was super hungry by my lunch break so i ate a small salad. it feels terrible in my stomach. i walked around for a half an hour or a bit more to burn off the calories of what i ate, but that doesn't actually make the food disappear. i still feel it.
i had purging urges after my salad, even though it was quite small, but not because i was mad at myself for eating (well maybe a little, but not enough to lose it). i wanted to purge because the food is apparently unwelcome.

next time i'm hungry i should remember this.
it's awful.
it was unpleasant yesterday, too. food just did nothing for me.

next time i'm hungry maybe i'll drink something caloric instead. maybe that won't feel so... gosh, i don't even know how to describe it. i don't feel gross, just... like there's food in me. like i'm carrying food in my stomach. not even necessarily solid. just... massy.
so freaking odd.



back here in this monstrously boring room.
i'm starting to get a headache.
all i want is a nap.
(and the ability to purge.)
(...though i guess technically exercising to compensate for calorie intake is purging. doesn't seem like it. doesn't seem as... effective? like you still have the food in you, digesting. seems like nothing's undone.)


p.s.
i just checked what 121.4 lbs is in terms of BMI. 17.9. under 18. it feels awesome knowing that. shame i won't be there anymore.
gonna get back.
i swear i'm gonna get back.