i'm starting this at 1:52 in the morning, sunday, may eighth.
i woke up at 3:30 pm on thursday.
i ended up hanging out with AD that evening until like, midnight today.
i've slept about an hour since i woke up. on thursday.
adderall keeps me only physically awake now. i'm super exhausted, i feel it in every inch of me.
i'm pretty good at not eating. but only in certain situations.
in my own house, alone, on my own couch? hopeless.
but for some reason, i'm almost never hungry with AD. even when we're not on adderall, we usually don't eat much.
so thursday i'd eaten 524 calories (including my vitamins) before i met up with her.
and all i had with her was a bite of her mac and cheese because i wasn't sure i should be mixing beer and a mojito on an otherwise empty stomach.
i know the beer and mojito are pretty calorific, but for some reason i don't count alcohol... never have, even when AD and i would diet together. i will count any juice i drink, but alcohol doesn't bother me. i have no idea why. at least we pretty much never ever drink beer. mostly just hard liquor.
and hard liquor doesn't really raise any calorie alarms in me, but even wine and beer aren't feeling safe anymore.
i sound like an alchie. i'm not! i seldom partake these days.
also - our waitress at the diner/bar we went to that evening looked shockingly familiar. then it turned out she was the twin sister of naima, WINNER of america's next top model cycle 4. and boy are they identical twins. and her sister is twig-thin.
i've decided i hate skinny waitresses. they seem to be everywhere.
really, i feel bad enough about eating already, and then there's this skinny little thing asking me,
"can i get you anything else, fatass?"
just a little more guilt to go, thanks.
friday i had a panini for dinner because my stomach was killing me and i was worried it was related to not eating (except the little bite of mac and cheese). i didn't even want the whole thing, but i got scared my metabolism'd get too relaxed with its time off.
today (which is still saturday in my head) i had some dumplings.
i haven't eaten more than 500 cals in a few days.
i was somewhere between 127 and 128 on wednesday.
i came home friday evening to pick stuff up, weighed myself. 123.6.
weighed myself when i got home earlier. 122.5 (stupid scale couldn't decide between 122.4 and 122.6).
goal one, passed again.
that's 18.1 BMI. underweight again. at last. took me god damn long enough.
i won't say i'm out of the normal weight woods this time. not because i think i'm going back, but because i now know better than to assume i'm safe.
122.2 is the first 18.0 BMI weight.
that makes goal number two 122.
i'm so close.
goal three is 17.5 BMI, 118.5 lbs. ...118 seems to be 17.4, and 119 is 17.6. how odd.
goal four is 115 lbs, 17.0 BMI.
i'm considering a fifth goal of 110.
past that, i don't have any clue what i'll want. i don't know what state i'll be in when i get there.
if i get there.
i have to keep this up.
i was 121.8 after the last time i hung out with AD, but i gained back every ounce of that progress and then some. i was up about two pounds just the next day. i know i can't keep this whole weight loss, but i'm going to try my hardest.
i really want to keep this up.
it's so easy not to eat with her. we just do other things. it's just so easy.
i feel like i'm shrinking. like the sensation in my stomach isn't an emptiness, it's a smallness. i'm unable to describe it. i really like it.
my progress chart on myfitnesspal was a graph of failure. a drop, a spike, a drop, a higher spike... an upward trend, essentially, given that i started that at 126 pounds which is not my body's preferred weight. but damn, the sharp decline... it's lovely.
AD and i had a mostly very fun time the past two days, but we did get into a heavy and unfun conversation about my screwups.
(she really never told me she was romantically interested in HF, but she doesn't believe i didn't know...)
understandably, she's irritated that i haven't called her to hang out. i haven't seemed to put any effort into making things better.
i was going to make her a giant reese's peanut butter cup once i could muster the self-control.
i don't call because i don't know why i have friends. i don't call people because i'm not fun. i never have any ideas, i don't come up with things to do... calling someone up to hang out feels like saying, "hey, wanna come be bored with me?"
i feel like everyone can do better things with their lives than be bored with me.
i stuck to my guns about keeping things bottled up again.
and let my mind wander instead.
i wanted to confess that i don't eat right, that the sight of my calves makes me cry, that i once sobbed over a toilet because i couldn't purge a quarter cup of ice cream. i didn't. (partly because i didn't want her to know, partly because i wouldn't want to trigger her - she's been there.)
i didn't tell her that i give myself too much, in every respect.
i deserve nothing i have, nothing i receive.
i don't deserve to be sated. again, in any respect.
tenth grade was the first time i opened up about my, at that point, three-year-old depression.
tenth grade was also the first time i skipped lunch. every day. for months. i ended up gaining weight instead; started trying to eat lunch again.
it's just an interesting coincidence.
i don't remember which happened first.
then again, i'm still being selfish by depriving myself. a proper punishment would be getting myself fat. but i can't handle that.
but i don't deserve simple pleasures, like food. or sex.
talked to AD about that, too. sex. she was in the mood for some but i wouldn't complain with her. because i have zero desire. because i don't deserve the pleasure. at this point, staying abstinent until 2012 seems no problem at all. it's already may. i don't know what it is, or when it happened, but i realized recently that i'm just not interested. theoretically, i guess. i mean, you know, i enjoy it, but i don't have any yearning for it now.
my largest concern about lonely 2011 was meeting someone i wanted to give in to.
i don't like random hook-ups, so there wouldn't be any one night stands, regardless of any abstinence-swearing. i really hope not, anyway.
but i realized that anyone worth breaking it for would understand that i had to do it for my friendship. and AD may say she doesn't care if i do it ("do it for yourself, not for me," she said yesterday), but i do feel like i have to do this for my friendship. maybe not just with her, but in general. it's a lesson in putting my needs last. it's a lesson i need to relearn.
but a while ago someone on PT posted about letting someone get into a relationship with them, with an ED. and suddenly, i wondered if i even could. if i could let myself do that to them, and to my mind.
i don't think i'd want to subject anyone to dealing with me that closely, to actually knowing what i was or wasn't eating, and how i felt about it. i wouldn't be willing to lie to a boyfriend.
i was thinking about it the other day, and if someone i liked confessed to liking me, i'd probably admit that i liked them too, but try to talk them out of liking me. explain that i'm really not a wise decision, unworthy. or that's what i'd want to try to do. in the moment i'd probably give in, of course. that's what i want to avoid.
i have to think of other people.
and nobody's going to want me crazy.
i think i'll be okay though.
nobody's going to like me anyway. i don't know why anyone ever does.
ARGH WHINY AZ TOOK OVER.
oh -
speaking of AD and her history...
she would've been EDNOS. i don't know exactly what she did, as it was before we were close, but i know she restricted and purged. i don't know about bingeing.
she's probably got the best ED-dar.
she's the one that said, in early april, "why are you so skinny, are you starving yourself?" (why did i like hearing that so much?)
well, she's onto me. actually not even onto me. she pretty much just knows. she knows/thinks i'm restricting, or starving, anyway. i didn't know she'd be able to tell my not wanting to eat wasn't just because of the adderall...
we didn't talk about it.
i'm glad. it would've gone against my recently reinstated bottle-up policy.
i certainly hope she didn't take that personally.
i wanna be below 120.
but before i get there, i have to somehow secure my current place. :\
i'm gonna weigh myself when i wake up, the last possible minute before eating. see how light i get.
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