i guess i've found my safety blanket

it's scary how much i'm comforted by restriction.


i've decided i'm going to give myself one "want" per day. well, i'm going to try, anyway.
i've already decided that tomorrow my "want" will be my special breakfast sandwich. i don't quite know the calorie count for that.
but then i'm going to try to go out. just be outside, away from food.
my mom's bought popsicles. 45 cals each. thank you, mother, you have finally brought home something not terrifying.

i couldn't manage my goals today - gave in to a bit of a binge after my salad dinner....
but when i realized i'd gone 5 hours without even thinking of food, i was pleased. it felt like an eternity in the moment.

i just have to keep busy.
i finished my placement tests today for my college.
i had to kind of re-teach myself precalc. calculus was hopeless, that's lost from my brain forever. gonna take that again. and i'm gonna take chem again. i want to. i enjoyed chemistry. and spanish.
gosh i love languages.
i'm so damn good at classes that require memorization and formulas and whatnot - it's the classes with real thinking that trip me up.
see, mr. therapist man? this is why i believe i'm stupid.


i'm going to see a movie with my mother this weekend.
i'm going to the harry potter exhibit on monday.
i'm going on a mini-trip with NE on tuesday - but that's revolved around food so that won't be as productive as it should.
OH, goodness me. NE told me he liked me tuesday night. we were wandering around at like 4 in the morning. and it finally came out. he asked if he could take me on a date. i kind of wordlessly said no, implied by a strange noise.
i am sad, though. i don't want to lose what we have. i mean, i do enjoy talking to him. and we talk a lot. i'm just not going to like him, no way no how. but i'm a little afraid we talk so much because he likes me. and yes, i don't want him to like me anymore, but i don't want that to change anything, and it probably will. it always does.
this is the first time i've had to deal with something like this in quite some time. i think the last time someone i wasn't into confessed to liking me was the day after i started dating KW. aaaaaages ago. i'm so out of practice. ...not that i ever want to be in practice; practice sucks.


i have to get some clothes tailored.
waists pulled in, mostly.
not because of lost weight, but because apparently nobody actually makes clothes for curvy people anymore. i also need a dress's shoulders taken down, because apparently someone thinks there are torsos longer than mine. (yes, there are, but i will swear there aren't.)

i wore a pretty dress that made me feel like a princess. i would have felt better thinner.





i know, i ramble on too much.
it just gives me something to do.
a place to confess.



i won't weigh myself until i feel better. i'm too afraid of the scale right now. i want to cry thinking about it.



oh, this.... this feels right.