I am AZ, I am excess. Aside from that...
I am a nineteen year old girl living in the City of New York and I feel damn special because of it. I am going to be annoying as fuck when I get to college because all I'm going to go on about for months is "back home, in New York City..."
I'm late to everything. I sleep too much. Often at the wrong hours. It's a quarter after five in the morning.
I'm a perfectionist and a wicked procrastinator. I'm learning that my grades are not my value. Well, I'm supposed to be learning that, anyway. I am two distinct beings: Logical Me and Internal Me. Internal Me wins most often.
I refuse to leave the house if I don't feel nice. I put on kitten heels to go to the store. I put on a skirt to pick up takeout. I never wear makeup.
PT is the only non-academic place I use proper capitalization.
I've been depressed for seven years but fight it so well sometimes I don't think I am. Until I rest. I was happy once - when I had my first boyfriend. I think I romanticize him, and love, a bit for that. But I also think I'm still in love with my memory of him. It's a bitch, loving a memory. They never say anything new.
I am a photographer and writer and graphic designer by hobby, though the latter I haven't practiced in more than a year, and I'm really not creative at all, so I don't know how any of these work. I guess they don't, really. My serious voice has the same tone as my writing voice.
People think I'm smart but I'm really not, I just have a kickass memory. For most things. I feel like I remember other people a lot more than they remember me. I'm shocked when this is contradicted.
I've been addicted to two things: my first boyfriend, and cutting, though I've tried many more addicting things. I'd want to put peanut butter and crosswords on that list but I know they're not actually addictions. I don't think it's fair to call myself a former cutter, though I guess it's accurate now. I only stopped because I got caught. I find self-destruction beautiful, and I can't shake it. There's too much poetry in it.
I'm really boring. I can't fathom why anyone stays friends with me. Sure, maybe I'm entertaining for a couple months - my sense of humor is the only thing about me I kind of like - but after that? I must get boring.
If you ask me what I dislike about myself, I could write you a book. I don't think I could stammer out a sentence if you asked what I liked. I have little to no confidence. I think even my opinions are wrong.
I correct people. If I said something wrong, I think I'd wanna know.
I actually like grammar and spelling. Math, science, and languages are my strongest subjects; I'm best at dealing with facts. I'm fascinated by psychology. I hate literature analysis.
I'm sensitive to textures of food, even if I love the flavor.
I'm nearing an unhealthy level of obsession with Harry Potter.
My apathy is often mistaken for indecision - I can't blame people though, I'm known to be indecisive, too. I talk entirely too much. I can't find the line between what I want to say and what you want to hear.
Call me crazy: it's a compliment.
Not that any of the above matters, as I'm also worthless.
so....
who are you?
go on - answer. i dare you.
I really like how you describe yourself and the detail you've used. It makes me feel like I can really get to know you. You're clearly intelligent and I like that. :) And by the way, I have always enjoyed New York City, though I know I didn't see even a fraction of it or do half of the fun stuff. :)
ReplyDeleteWho am I?
I am Elle. I'm a dreamer by nature and in that respect I never grew up. I never had grounded hopes and dreams for myself- such as college, career, and other such things. In fact, I always felt I didn't even want kids, though that's something I've re-thought as I've gotten older. I'm interested in art, all aspects of it. Everything from paintings to abstract, performance, and digital art. I love Andy Warhol and admire him greatly.
I'm not smart. I didn't even go to high school. But I am interested in the world around me and I value reading. Classic literature is my favourite but I also enjoy modern novels and writings.
I struggle with depression and have a love/hate relationship with myself and my ED. At my happiest in life I was always thin and I strive to become what I once was in hopes to love myself and to find happiness again. I've had an ED since I was a child (EDNOS I suppose, I was an over-eater) but my dance with ana began when I was 14 or 15. Age fourteen is also when I began to self injure.
I love music, I enjoy photography, journaling, traveling, and making jewelry. I value honesty and sincerity. I have a hard time trusting people because I've been hurt and damaged so much. I only have one friend, she lives across the country. But I do trust her.
I'm socially awkward. I rarely speak but I express myself in writing at length. I often have no significant other for several years at a time, and I recently came out of a relationship that ended badly. I like animals more than I like people and they always treat me better than people do. I have cats, I love them like they were my children.
That's all I can think of at the moment, but I'm an open book. :)
hello elle! nice to meet you. :) i like your name very much. and that you think i'm intelligent! haha. you seem quite intelligent yourself. (reading literature is probably a better education than most stuff i learned in high school.)
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