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EB teases me because i remember the exact dates of various and sometimes seemingly insignificant events in my life. i don't refer to things as "in the summer between junior and senior year," or "the summer i was seventeen," it's always "summer 2009." i can tell you that i got the phone i currently have on thursday, august 13th, 2009, because that's also the day KW returned from alaska. i can tell you that september 16th, 2009 was a wednesday and that march 19th, 2010 was a friday. i know that february 12th, 2010 was a friday and february 12th, 2009 was a thursday and february 14th, 2009 was a saturday and february 17th, 2009 was a tuesday and i know those all independent of each other.
i don't know why i keep all this on file in my brain.

july 8th, 2010, i received a phone call from HF. he broke up with me.
i can't help but be aware of this. and facebook has just shown me that HF's been back in the city for a little more than a week now. i really fucking hate this. i really fucking do.

i wish my writer's block was some kind of creature with a physical body, something i could injure. i want to cause it pain, because it's choking me.

i feel abandoned and unwanted and unloved. i don't know how i'm going to survive this weekend with these couples all around me, it wears me down so much.
my pajama shirt smells like EB's house, and it's like i can feel the ghost of his arms around me but i want them there for real, even if there are no feelings, i just want to feel the comfort.



i was going to try to write but holy fucking shit, real time AZ life update:
HF just texted me.

does he know what day it is?


EDIT: i'm seeing him tomorrow at noon. if i'd known that i wouldn't have fucking binged today, fuck fuck fuck!