things were simple once

after EB left my house sunday morning, it wasn't long until he texted me that he missed me.

...so i went to jersey to visit him today. technically yesterday. monday.

it felt like ages since i'd seen him. this past weekend feels like centuries ago.



i keep thinking about that note and i get all fluttery.
i tore it out of the paper and it's living in a drawer. i've reread it a couple times. i can't help it.



i don't want to say it for sure, but i think i do like him.
we didn't even do anything today and it was still wonderful to be around him. we watched tv. we slept. we watched more tv.
i got up at 9:20 (i was supposed to get up at 8:30, actually, but i didn't set my alarm properly because i'm a goof) to catch a train to do what i could have done at home. but i'm of course glad i did.


i don't know what's going on between us, exactly. i mean, he wrote me that note, but i feel like i'm more into him than he is into me.
or maybe it's just that i can't fathom why anyone would find me interesting, or be satisfied doing nothing with me.
i'm uncomfortable feeling inferior to people (which isn't to say i have to feel superior, equal is pleasant), and i definitely believe myself inferior to him. he's smart, and talented, and what am i? all i do is squeak. people tell me i'm adorable. that's all i've got.


we keep kissing, nothing further, but it's okay.
we were snuggled on his couch for most of the day. (lol rhyme)
he held my hand on the drive back into the city. even the times i had to move my hand to do something, he kept his hand on my leg.
i like when he initiates things, it makes it feel more requited, it makes me feel more secure.

and we're not even together, gosh.
i don't know if i want to be. i don't know what i want. i'm leaving for college in a month. we can't spend more than a few hours apart without missing each other. we're spoiling ourselves by seeing each other for so long and so frequently. what's going to happen between now and august 24; what's going to happen after?

i don't know what to do when i see CP, our mutual friend. everyone in my group is all oooooohh, you and E..... and i'm like stfu. but like now... yes please.
only i don't want to admit to them that we've hooked up.



FUCKING SHIT FUCK WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED

and i'm still afraid to love, i'm still afraid to be loved.

what was once my favorite feeling has now become my fear.

...i like that line, actually, maybe i'll try to remember it, use it to inspire a poem? i'm way overdue.

his family's going away for vacation soon, and my mom's going to my college for a parent event. another sleepover is planned for this weekend, i believe. but that seems so far away.
he said we'll probably see each other in the interim.

once again, we're getting spoiled. for now, i love it.