i'm fucked but it feels good for a change

so this is my post regarding EB. that was just everything else.




EB slept over this weekend, while my mother was away at a high school reunion.
we drank friday night, and a little last night to try to finish the bottle (we failed, which is probably good for our livers).
i don't know how it happened, i don't know who initiated it, but we kissed. it was kind of surreal.
he kept saying he was making it all up, that he'd wake up in his own bed tomorrow and go back to reality. he told me he'd probably end up convincing himself it didn't happen, that he has trouble believing when good things happen to him.
finally, this morning, he said it finally felt a little more real, but it was still weird.
but there we were, both in a bra and shorts, making out. never have i ever (before) kissed a man wearing a bra.
oh, have i neglected to mention that EB's a transvestite?
i think i mentioned a transvestite and EB in the same entry once, but i left out that they're the same person. anyway, they are. he is.


he appreciates that i don't judge him.
he told me he was a transvestite the first night we talked, and i accepted it without a second thought, without blinking an eye.
he's grateful for that, i know. it's not like it was any effort on my part, though.
it really makes no difference to me. i mean a transvestite is, in essence, quite like a male tomboy, but nobody seems to understand that. there's an awful double standard that allows women to wear guys' clothes without anyone caring, but a man puts on a skirt and everybody stares. it's really not fair.
granted, i think he's more attractive in male clothing, but that's not him so fuck it.
then again, i also think his hair looks adorable natural, but he hates it.


anyway.

i don't know what to say about that yet. us hooking up, that is.
he approves of my no-sex-til-2012 self-promise, even encouraged me to try for a sexless year when i first told him about it, but we were both extraordinarily... frustrated.
we barely got past second base (for about half a second each, until i stopped it) but he told me afterward that that was the most intense not-sex he'd ever had.

fuck me, i don't want to like him. not anything personal against him, i'm just too afraid to like anyone. kind of especially when there's a chance they could like me, too.

this weekend we were as snuggly as when i slept over at his house, but this time with kissing involved. it was really lovely, actually.

fuck, i'm so screwed, aren't i.





i ate quite a fair amount on saturday.
oh, i barely ate on wednesday after the HF shit happened. i liked it, i wish i could keep it up.
EB tries to help me. he's so skinny though, and he barely eats... not because he has issues too, but he just forgets and doesn't particularly enjoy eating. he likes tasting yummy things, but eating's kind of a chore for him.
words can't describe how jealous i am whenever that comes up. i fucking love eating, i just hate that i do.


i feel bad, though.
he really wants me to be okay, he really understands that i have a stupid irrational part of me that whispers lies in my ear, he tries to make me believe that i have nothing to fear, and that even if i gain weight i will be beautiful, that it is no reflection of any failures on my part. that i don't need to deprive myself, or punish myself.

so yes, maybe i eat a little more around him, but in the end i feel awful anyway.
because i know for the next couple of days i'm going to try to eat less to compensate.
and i know that's not what he wants me to do, and i know it would upset him to know, and i know it would upset him to know that i'm hiding it.


i just don't know what to do about it.
because if i'm back above 125 again i'm going to flip a shit. i refuse to weigh until i've eaten adequately little. i know that phrasing makes no sense but i feel like you probably get it anyway.

AZ,

You are gorgeous, otherworldly,

and compassionate beyond compare.

It's dumb to say, but I think

I may love you.

- Your Secret Admirer

i found that written on a newspaper, above an old crossword he had been trying to help me finish.

i feel all girlish and squealy.

i'm so fucked.