a shitload.
again.
i'm such a fucking failure i don't DESERVE all the crap i shove down my throat to satisfy some want.
fuck my wants. they're stupid.
i don't believe i should be above wanting i just think i've done nothing to warrant satisfaction.
i was talking to EB about how i believe i have no self-control. he said he thinks i have a lot, recalling ...certain moments i really wanted to give in to my body's wants but i stuck to my promises.
but i said no, that i gave in and kissed you means i couldn't control myself.
that i tell myself i won't eat but somehow wind up eating anyway means i can't control myself.
he pointed out that that's a normal human reflex, it's what we're supposed to do.
i paused for a second. i think it's kind of funny, actually. that thought hadn't even occurred to me, that i'm fighting human instinct. that we're supposed to give in to our hunger.
not that it makes me reconsider anything.
with how much i've eaten, my temptation is to try to go a week without eating anything.
i know i can't make it.
i can't even make it a day.
but since i failed today, let's try tomorrow.
then again i'll probably fail tomorrow and say that again.
i wasn't as committed to it as i should have been.
if i can go ONE DAY without food (vitamins aside; i'll always take those), then i can start granting myself a few privileges, maybe i can eat 300 calories the next day, then 400 hundred, and so on until i learn to behave, and can limit myself to a steady 800 or so.
i also need to get back into the habit of purging by exercise. desperately. i'm a blob. i'm an amorphous, squishy sack of pudding.
i really miss EB and i really want to see him soon, but i can't see him until i get myself under control. i can't let him see me like this, in this state of softness, of fatness.
he's going to be in the city tomorrow buying furniture for his apartment. i actually hope he's busy all day and doesn't have time to even be tempted to see me somehow. because i can't do it.
i want to throw up. i can still taste everything i've eaten today, i can feel it in my body, at the back of my throat.
it makes me cringe.
I'M SUCH A FAILURE.
the cutting urges are lurking at the edges of my consciousness.
how long did i make that promise to EB for? i haven't quit cutting forever, i can't have.
EB's friend and future roommate is anorexic. she'll go for days without eating, and once she passes out, then she'll eat. and throw it up. and do it again.
he doesn't need to deal with my whiny pseudo-issues.
he says i'm not a case of urgency, i'm not in immediate danger of doing damage to myself, but i have the underlying problems that could lead me down that path.
why did i take that as an insult? not the problems part, but the not urgent part...
why did i take it as a challenge?
i'm breaking down right now.
it's kind of insensitive of him, really.. to say that you're 'not a case of urgency' hmm..
ReplyDeletebut really, really don't beat yourself up for eating. we HAVE to eat. even if it's a tiny amount of a big amount.. as he said, we are supposed to give in to hunger. ofcourse sometimes when we give in to hunger we feel bad because we weren't strong enough to resist.
but please try to tell yourself that it's okay. you're not going to gain twenty pounds overnight. you probably haven't even eaten enough to gain a pound. tomorrow is a new day, you can try again then.
stay strong, sweetie xxxx