real talk with HF

i was going to come on here and talk about the wonderful weekend i spent with EB, food aside.
i binged today though. afraid to weigh.


but anyway.
i ended up talking to HF. it turned into him feeling hurt and lashing out.
i know him well. even if he thinks i don't because of the six months we spent not talking, i still definitely do.


has he noticed that no matter how much he attacks me, i don't attack back?


i explained to him (all via facebook chat) that he had psychologically scarred me, something i never really told him before.
he wouldn't accept it, i was just "too sensitive." i couldn't "handle the teasing like everyone else."
somehow it spiraled, he signed off, threatening to kill himself. i texted him, though my friend told me not to, that he would be okay.
but i couldn't take that risk.

he didn't kill himself.
but he exploded at me:

STOP STOP STOP. I HATE THIS. I HATE U AND I LOVE U AND I WANNA FUCK U AND I WANNA SEE U DIE AND I WANNA TOUCH U AND HUG U AND I WANNA SMACK U AND ARDHDHSHAKDICGJEKSKXKOAOUCUJEJEKOAOOWPPDP

i didn't know what to make of it.
somehow we ended up on the phone.
he asked what i think about when i masturbate, if i remembered certain times we'd been intimate. if i'd have phone sex with him.
i wouldn't. i can't go there again, not with him. not with anyone i've been with. the emotions are too fucked up, there's too much history.
i also feel loyal to EB even though we're not together.

we ended up having a real conversation. we talked about youtube, books, wikipedia. and us. and each other.
he told me there was still some inexplicable attraction to me, that he still can't get me out of his head.
he explained his abrupt physical withdrawal from me, his refusal to speak to me. he told me that i'd be all he talked about when he returned, always wondering if he should contact me, if he should see me.
he wanted to know if there were still any feelings left for me. there aren't. there never can be again. i can never like him again.
it was really nice to talk to him, though, calmly and honestly.
except then he felt like a fool, and when the phone call ended abruptly (though we'd spoken for an hour), i texted him an apology and he told me he didn't care, he just wanted to see if he could get laid one more time, he didn't mean anything.


bullshit.
he's striking out again. he can't stand feeling vulnerable.


but... he apologized.
post-call texts aside, i think i've finally gotten the truths i need. i have my closure. i hope he has his.
he'll get me out of his head, for sure, he will.


i can't even remember what our interactions were like, when we were together, when they were healthy.


i don't know what to make of any of this.
i think he's decided not to talk to me for a while, because he can't feel like this about me and still be friends. i respect that.
i'm also afraid that somehow feelings would come back if we were friends? i don't know how they would, but i don't know for sure that they absolutely couldn't.




tomo---er, today, is officially my last therapy session.
i have way too much to talk about. it should be like five hours long.


i'm having dinner with NE tomor--tonight. shame, i didn't want to eat today.
i guess i won't eat thursday. hopefully friday too.

of course i'll fail.