families and blah

AD and i had our friday today. even though it's sunday. messed up schedules, you know?
it wasn't very pleasant overall- me, her and our other friend SP got maybe a little too drunk on wine and made total asses of ourselves in front of all AD's neighbors...
she's got a first floor apartment and her bedroom window faces the sidewalk, so we're totally rocking out to funky techno music and self-made bad remixes and suddenly we realize there are literally like five people lined up across the street.
actually, i regret nothing. maybe a little too much wine, but fuck it was fun.

and then there was drama with her dad and it was just very... well, dramatic.
makes me glad my dad lives across the country. speaking to him every three months or so is quite enough for me.
....though i feel a bit like a heartless bitch because of it.


sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a real family.

here in my shoebox of a new york city apartment, it's just me, my mother, and my cat. and that's all i've ever known (well we've had kitty for four/five years but you get my point), as my dad moved out when i was about three.
i've never had grandparents. they're all dead as far as i know. my mom's parents died long before i was born.
the only cousins i have that are remotely near my age (on this side of the country, anyway) are on my dad's side so i see them whenever he decides to come east and take me to their house. i think i've met them four times.
my mom's side is much closer, but we always get the impression they really don't give a shit about us. the only person that actually makes the effort to talk to me is one of my cousins' husbands.
i'm not mourning a loss or anything, because i haven't lost anything. i never had a real family to begin with.
of course i don't mean to imply my mother has been insufficient as a parent in any way. that'd be entirely false. she really is great.

but i'm really just genuinely curious. a family must shape one's character, no? how different would i be if i had a real family?



hm.


anyway.
i was 123 when i returned home from AD's this afternoon. early. i felt a little sick. and very blah.
i was in a dreadful mood - not grumpy, but absolutely nothing in the world was appealing. i didn't want to do anything, but i certainly didn't want to do nothing. it was entirely frustrating.
123 was nice though.


SP, though i've known her for years, since before she lost her baby fat, has officially become a model. 5'10", wonderfully thin, lovely long legs. i may have bigger breasts, but nobody cares. SP is the worst for my self esteem. in public with her? anyone she's with never gets a second glance. i always feel so damn fat just being in the same room as her.


i felt bad about drinking so much wine, calorifically speaking. (hurray for made up words!)
today i had two cough drops, a stick of gum, and a cup of tea.
until i felt ill, that is, then i had my vitamins, a little pasta, and a bowl of cereal. today's net: 546. damn cereal. but it's okay. it's well within my range.



i think my lymph node in my left underarm is swollen. it's really uncomfortable to move. hell, it's really uncomfortable to just... be. any stretching, pressure, weight, movement... i don't like it one bit.
between this and my thyroid test results and my persistent cough (damn you, jury duty), my mom's making me make ANOTHER appointment with my doctor. sigh.



i know this is a very boring entry.
i don't feel very sunshine and rainbows and humor.
my arm is pissing me off and i feel like crying and i don't know why.
it has nothing to do with my period because i am blessed with seemingly unnoticeable PMS...
i guess i need some sleep soon.
i still feel so full of cereal. it was at least 3 hours ago.