i freak out a lot.

i register in six hours.
i have to review the processes for registration, because i have no idea how it's done.
i'm kind of freaking out.
a class i basically need is full; my advisor's still waiting to hear from a number of people. in the mean time i suppose i'll register for intro to psych. i'm freaking out though.

and having a deep text conversation with the guy i met at the beach the other weekend, the one i stayed up almost all night talking to. i guess i'll call him EB.

today was the gay pride parade in manhattan, and KK's birthday. the regular gang'd slept over, and in the gang there's a gay guy and a bi girl who planned to go and meet up with a transvestite so we all came along.
i love new york, i really do.
only in new york (to my knowledge), can you ever say "wow, check out the six pack on that guy in the speedo and heels!"


and then EB basically picked on me all day. threw things at me. tickled me. poked me so i squealed, loudly and frequently.
in first grade, when a guy picks on you all the time, we're taught that it means that he likes you.
i'd like to say that that's no longer applicable after a few years, but i'm not so sure.
then again, i guess it depends on the way he's picking on you.

apparently he picks on another girl in a similar way, and i know he had a thing for her. has? whatever.



i was checking facebook, and i saw that two of my facebook friends had posted on HF's wall, talking about when he's coming back.
i really hate that facebook hasn't gotten that if i hide someone from my news feed, maybe i don't want to see them there at all.
it upset me much more than it should have, much more than i expected it to. i snapped a little. i got really angry. i just hate hate hate hate thinking about him back here, hanging out with some old high school friends, partying, chilling, seeing other people, but never me. ignoring me. i hate it.
i fucking hate it.
i'm over it when he's overseas.
i don't know how not to hate when he's back.

i was hit with an overwhelming urge to self-harm... and i actually intended to channel it into exercise but i couldn't find a stealthy way to do so. so i dug my nails into my arm.


anyway, i saw this on facebook when we were at KK's house after the parade. most people were in the other room. i was obviously upset about something, so EB came over and talked to me, and comforted me, and told me if i ever need to talk or whine he's there.
he asked about my scars, and asked me if i've stopped, when i last cut.... i really honestly don't remember.... i even shared the ones on my hip.
he told me his weren't that bad. (which seems odd written down, but it was really just him confessing his own.)


now, EB is a friend of CP's. and now CP's boyfriend has twice asked me if i like EB, or if i'm interested. he asked if anything happened when EB drove me back into the city after the beach.
"do you liiiike him?"
gosh, is this really first grade still?

also these initials are really pissing me off but i don't wanna use names >[




OH.
after dinner (i had a mozzarella tomato and pesto sandwich and it was delicious), we got ice cream. it was actually my idea. i was craving it. i got a no-sugar-added flavor, which is good i guess, but suddenly like fifteen minutes after eating it, i felt like shit. really nervous and antsy and full of anxiety. it was like i was trying to twitch the fat away. everyone assumed i was cold, but i was visibly freaking out. i don't know, nothing like that has ever happened to me before. a similar thing happened when i took a sip of 2% milk at AD's the other day, i mean, but before that.
i couldn't not visibly freak out about it. it's kind of a good thing i wasn't wearing better shoes, because i probably would have told them i'd be right back and gone for a little run, which would have made people suspicious.


today was better than saturday. i pigged out on saturday. i had TWO chocolate bars.

i was explaining my medication and how i can't eat at certain times, but i'd only gotten to the "i can't eat" part when KK said, "are you becoming anorexic?"
she was joking.


i think that's all i have to say.

i was considering going to a driving thingy in brooklyn with JB and KK tomorrow morning at ten, but at this rate i think i'll bail....