...i wasn't skinny enough, of course. and i've been stuffing my face since i've gotten back, too. when i'm not sleeping, that is.
i somehow managed to survive on six hours of sleep at the beach this weekend.
i was picked up twice, though, by KK's boyfriend. somehow we started playing musical people, and i was one of the two people being passed around from arms to arms. it was hilarious. and another time KK's boyfriend wanted to go back into the water but nobody would go with him so he just picked me up and walked me over.
there were no comments about how light i was.
there were two cameras and a few pictures taken, but i haven't seen any.
i made a new friend, i think. we hit it off, anyway, but we'll see if we keep in touch at all.
he seemed endlessly amused by my antics.
i tend to find it so much easier to open up to relative strangers than i do with people who know me better, and this was no exception. we're both nocturnal, so we were up long after everyone else retired to bed. he and the person whose house we were staying at raided the liquor stash and pulled out a bottle of everclear.
....everclear. that stuff is 95% alcohol. it terrified me. i was poured a glass with about half a shot in it (so, about one standard shot of other liquors), and took over two hours to drink it. i ended up tipsy. i'm so okay with that.
i don't know why everclear scares me so much, or maybe i do. 95 PERCENT ALCOHOL.
anyway, so it was just us, him a little drunk, me timidly sipping at my own drink, and we just opened up about our histories and issues and goals and fears. it was awesome, and like, really serious. ...and then we got ridiculous around 3 in the morning and just got completely silly, not even related to the alcohol. tickle fights, odd noises, i don't even know. every once in a while i was like, wow, i'm making a complete fool out of myself in front of this guy i just met. ehhhh, who cares. he doesn't seem to be judging me.
and he wasn't.
we were talking about alcohol tolerances and i mentioned that mine used to be higher. he asked what happened to it, i told him i had fucked it up with dieting. he made a sort of quizzical look, and asked, "dieting? you don't look like you need to diet... then again, i just met you, so you could've?"
but i just told him i'd lost ten pounds.
later when i told him about all the mean shit HF used to tease me about (being stupid, being ugly, being a whore, being fat, being worthless, being a failure, being unfunny...), he said, "i guess that explains the ten pound diet?"
i could have opened up, i guess. i almost always want to, at least a little part of me. not to say that i need help, or even that i'm sick, just maybe so someone knows i struggle with this. i always chicken out.
anyway, he said i'm super skinny. :D
it's always so weird to think that i'm actually underweight. (these days even when i feel large i'm only hovering near 125, usually right below.) i still feel so.... large. so penguin-like. so disproportionate. it's hard to believe i've lost any weight. it's hard to believe i was ever larger.
like my ass is huge, but not in any kind of appealing way. i feel so much wider than i am thick.
i don't really have anything else to say.
i've just gotten so lazy... i want to run.
i want to run from fear, from nerves, from anxiety, from worries, from troubles and stresses and insecurities, from boredom, from safety and danger, from the familiar, from the unknown. from the fat and the calories. i just want to run.
it's a shame i've got shit for lungs.
...not to mention no adequate footwear.
maybe i'll don my converse and try to go for a jog tomorrow. i'm seeing an old camp friend. surprisingly enough i don't give a shit about the weight thing after not seeing him for about a year. though that's because i know i haven't lost enough for anyone to notice, and there's nothing i can do about that now. in seven hours, once again.
fuck it.
i probably had enough calories for two days (not two healthy days, granted, but two of my normal days) today.
i really don't want to eat tomorrow, except my vitamins. my tea i always take plain, so that won't be a problem.
the problem lies in my plans with this friend. movie and coldstone. fuck my life... how many calories would be in a "like it" size of lemon sorbet? i usually get raspberries in it but maybe i'll forgo them.
i keep forgetting my dedication. i want to eat, i eat, i feel like shit, i remember my dedication, i hate myself. i sleep. i wake, the cycle continues.
i hate giving myself what i want. i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. it feels so damn good in the moment, but of course it does, i fucking want it! it's not that i believe i am above the wanting, i believe i'm below it. fuck what i want, what have i done to deserve it? i've slept with all the wrong people, that's what, i hurt people with my actions.
...i know abstaining from eating and abstaining from sex are two entirely unrelated things and one will not solve the other. but i don't fucking care. pleasure is pleasure and i've god damn had enough.
i just feel i'll be so much of a better person if i can learn to live without, learn to be deprived.
i'm so excited for college, and this whole year i've been saying how excited i am to finally meet new people.
i still am really excited, but i'm also really nervous. not about not making friends, not fitting in, not getting along with people... i'll manage. i've already chatted with some people.
i'm nervous about letting people in. and again, not because i'm afraid i'll get hurt... i'm afraid to drag them into the mess that is my insanity.
but i keep meeting people. i keep reconnecting with people! and this feels like another pleasure, another indulgence: friendship, socialization.
i can't cut myself off. i tried that once before, years ago. KW called ten minutes after i made my decision, and i couldn't deny him. even if nobody's calling me now, i'm too weak to deny my interpersonal needs. someone will call, and i'll answer. i'm no loner.
i'd rather starve.
though, since realizing how fat i feel and that i don't know how i'll get out of eating tomorrow, i really want to cancel.
i guess i'm just not a loner yet.
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