TOO FAT FOR BEACH

i keep losing and gaining the same three pounds.
i was actually talking with JB about this the other night when we were eating nutella on cinnamon swirly bread. she fell victim to the freshman fifteen, and then started being more conscious about what she ate, but since she's been home she's just like, "fuck it."


i REFUSE the freshman fifteen.

i mean, all freshman at my college are automatically on the 210 meal plan, which is 14 meals/week. the dining hall also closes at like seven i think.
people get enough food because sometimes they go out to eat, go into town, go home, buy food...
i'm not going to have ANY money. my funds are approaching zero with no foreseeable income (except the jury duty check i should really be getting any day now).
so some part of me feels kind of neglected, like, wow, i'm actually going to not be able to feed myself, how sad is that. but at the same time, i know i'm going to milk my poverty for all it's worth. nothing like the poverty diet to keep you from bingeing.
okay, is it bingeing or binging? because binging looks like it should rhyme with singing but firefox says bingeing is wrong.

i mean, i'd like to eat breakfast. that's where i'd like to put all my calories ideally, to wake up my metabolism.
with my sleep schedule, i don't know how likely that'll be, but that's what i'm hoping for.
and then maybe at breakfast i'll grab an apple for lunch.
and then i can eat dinner?
and doing this will accumulate meals for me later, in case i actually ever eat normally.

basically, i'm sure it'll work out, but like, only because i'm already abnormal to begin with.
this just gives me more reasons to continue.

and i'll have started synthroid by then, so i guess i'll see how that goes.
apparently you CAN take adderall and synthroid. is it weird/bad that that makes me less dreading it? i won't have to say goodbye to these fun times.
but i'm actually kind of really excited now to start synthroid. not just for metabolism speeding.
i still don't really have any other physical symptoms, but i've noticed that recently (i'm talking like, the past two weeks or some short time like that), i'm tired ALL the time. at literally any given point in the day, i could go to sleep. it's just a matter of when i'm willing to do so.




on another note,
i've been talking to this guy that'll be attending my college with me. he's a year younger, of course, because i took a gap year so pretty much my whole class will be.
we've been texting constantly for just a few days (like actually four), and already skyped twice, once for six hours and fifty minutes, and tonight for like five and a half hours. he literally stayed up all night talking to me the other night, didn't get any sleep, and then had to go to work.
and i don't know what it's about.

in some ways, i'm kind of intrigued by what this could be. like, if he could like me... and i don't know if i'd like him, but i do REALLY enjoy talking to him, in the way where i wouldn't be super surprised if i one day did. and a potential reason for this is below.
but he's straight edge. once upon a time, that'd be a ridiculous selling point, but i dunno now. it'd probably be a good change of pace, but i wanna drink, dammit. and he doesn't seem down with that.
and also... he talks to probably like ten other girls from our school a fair amount, and one of them already said she'd wait for him forever (he's obviously chilled out with talking to her). so it maybe seems like he's being flirty, but that's clearly not just directed at me.
at least i know he's not just a manwhore; i know he's had three girlfriends and only "been intimate" (his words, fyi) with one because he kind of thought he'd marry her.
but like, we have a fair amount in common, for better and for worse. 
we're both depressed and had miserable senior years, we're both indecisive, we're both guilt freaks.
and on more minor notes, our favorite subway sandwich is chicken teriyaki, and his favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip and mine's mint chocolate cookie, but neither of us like the chips in the ice cream.

but here's the big thing - he really really really reminds me of HF in certain ways. like, when i first skyped him, i had to keep from actually facepalming. because who wants to say, when asked why they facepalmed, "it's just that you really remind me of my ex." and now that i've noticed, even their texting styles are similar.
on one level, it frightens me, because i already fell for HF once, i don't need to fall for him again (in a manner of speaking). and not only would i be ashamed of that, but what if i end up liking this guy because he reminds me of HF? it's just not good.
but on another level, i love it, because it's like having HF to talk to again, but not the dick part. i mean, this guy teases me, but not personally. he does stuff to irritate me, he sends vomiting smileys because he knows i don't like it, he says my yarn (i was crocheting when we were talking) is pubes for some reason.... but HF would actually make me feel like a worthless person every time i spoke to him.

i should probably give him a name - it's AG.

so... i'm going down to visit him? in like two weeks.... we're going to the beach with his friends. and then when that's over he'll come back up to new york with me because he's never been. hopefully it's not mega-awkward.
also
BEACH?!
TWO WEEKENDS WITHIN THREE WEEKS

WAIT

HOLY FUCK

I

AM

GOING

TO

THE

BEACH

SATURDAY

okay i'm not eating tomorrow (after breakfast of course)
there's just ice cream in my freezer
and pop tarts on my counter
and my mom'll probably replace the milky ways she ate

....nbd....

-flipping out-

maybe i'll just have 400 calories a day until beach.
there's a barbeque as part of the beach plan.

if i eat there will i get fat from restricting heavily until then?

i think i'm like 124 now.


the one who thinks i'm too light'll be there.
i'm almost excited to see how he'll react to bikini-me. because he already thinks i'm too light.
but at the same time, if he's on edge that easily and doesn't say anything about bikini-me, i'm going to take that as me being too fat.
and at the same time again, if he reacts with concern, i'm going to be watched like a hawk at the barbeque. or maybe he'll be too into KK. i'm hoping.