i have to get up in 3 and a half hours.
how am i supposed to get to sleep with a motherfucking mosquito in my room!
DIE MOSQUITOES DIE
seriously
what do they contribute to the ecosystem?
and i keep coming back to the senseless thought of "wow, i'm so large i can feed other organisms" EXCEPT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH FAT and irrational me really needs to be educated.
beach
in
seven hours
fuck
how skinny can i get in seven hours?
i didn't restrict as much as i should have.
my mom keeps buying those god forsaken pop tarts.
and like
cake and shit
fuuck offffffff
at least my collarbones are still visible. i really feel like shit when they fade away.
even before i had issues with food (well, at least between tenth grade and now), i always enjoyed holding onto them, getting my fingers under them, hanging onto my bones.
just as long as i can see them clearly.
tomorrow - ah, fuck, in three and a half hours, rather - i am going to eat the smallest bowl of cereal. a serving of crispix is 1 cup for 110 calories. i usually have 1 1/8 cup (approximated), which is 124 + milk which is 54
but tomorrow i will do my best to measure out 3/4 of a cup. i can't do that math right now but it'll be okay. and that'll require even less milk.
on synthroid, i can't take any calcium or iron supplements within four hours of taking the medication, which must be taken on an empty stomach at least twenty minutes before eating.
i hope i can still eat cereal with milk for breakfast. i hope that's not too much calcium. cereal's like the best low-cal breakfast i can find and easily acquire. and that's usually like all the calcium i get in a day so i need it.
i can't sleep until my eyes cannot physically remain open for a minute longer. trying to sleep any earlier just leaves my brain to wander. i can't distract myself just laying there in the dark with my eyes closed.
i'm not quite there yet
so maybe i'll do 100 sit ups, and then pass out.
and hopefully i can motivate myself to do 100 more before showering.
and maybe even 100 more after showering.
i have to go up to the bronx to meet my friends, who will then drive us to another friend's house in long island, and from there we'll head to the beach.
the neighborhood in the bronx i have to get to is only accessible by one train.
and the fucking train i need decided to be a little bitch (well, it's not running this weekend due to poorly planned construction, srsly MTA, stop doing this to me) so it's going to take me at least an extra half hour to get all the way the fuck up there. fuck you, making me wake up at 8:30 to get there by 11:30.
apparently i'm an early-morning potty mouth?
no, i'm just grumped out by everything.
i had to decide which bikini to wear.
what a horror show.
i love my full-length mirror, because i don't know if i'd be brave enough to leave the house otherwise, but holy fuck, what a bastard. can't it just lie to me?
my legs are so unfairly short. i look like a penguin. only not as spiffy.
i don't quite like how negative this entry is, but i don't really know how to solve that.
oh
i spoke to two other future classmates today. and by classmates i just mean they'll be freshmen with me. one of them was on a gap year, too, and his funds are also approaching zero. at least i'm not the only one.
there was a party tonight i really wanted to go to but i was feeling sick earlier today (it was like my intestines were saying, all right, everything out! but no other part of me was on board... tmi, i know, but oh the pain) and i needed to plan and rest because if i went to the party i'd be out all night.
but damn i really wanted to go. except i guess it's better this way because there were people on the facebook guest list that i really didn't want to see.
i got a phone call at 2 am from my best friend from kindergarten (long story), whose party i went to on someone else's roof the other friday.
apparently the intellectual guy i mentioned a few entries ago really wanted to see me. guess he wasn't repulsed by my stupidity or insanity or resemblance to whoever it was he used to know. i'd be psyched if i were remotely interested.
oh, go to sleep, AZ.
sit-ups first!
three hours.
...also i can't find a good way to respond to comments!
but thank you, killa kristen, for your advice and encouragement :) (even if i did eat too much anyway =\ )
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