ominous resurfacing

125.6 the other day. yesterday? fuck it's hard to keep track of time for some reason.
i'd reweigh but i just had some tea. tea always makes me feel full, for better or worse.



i've become a bit obsessed with tea. also nobody makes just straight-up cinnamon tea. everything's cinnamon apple or cinnamon whateverthefuck.
okay, bigelow makes cinnamon tea, but i can't find it. i just wanna try it. ...though i'm sure it'd be wicked tasty.



i'm having an urge to rewatch skins. all generations. i was kind of drunk while watching most of the 5th series so it probably didn't sink in as well as it should have. nick's episode, for example, just went completely over my head.




i saw midnight in paris with my mother today. i don't much like owen wilson. and his owen-wilson-ness probably detracted from the greatness of the movie, which i did thoroughly enjoy despite his owen-wilson-ness.
i've been wondering whether i wanted to learn french. i went to paris for three days in the summer of 2009 and fell in love. it's a beautiful city and known for stealing hearts. and me, such a city girl, i was helpless. i had a miserable experience with the food, but fuck that, who needs food? i just want to be there and see it and live in it and feel it thrive.
my love for paris, though i only got the slightest taste, makes me want to learn french.
but i took a month of french in ninth grade, and although i have a knack for foreign languages, i really hated french. the spelling, the pronunciation... god i hate the pronunciation. my mouth cannot make those sounds.
anyway, i saw this movie and within the first three shots, i was thinking "oh, hell, i have got to learn french."
i really am so in love. and as long as i'm not there, it feels just like unrequited love. i literally ache thinking about paris. we had to select first year seminar classes for my college, and they had a course on paris, and i didn't choose it because learning so much about paris would kind of feel painful.
-sigh-



that aside...
i went shopping with my mother for dinner afterward, but nothing looked good. eventually i got a 260 cal microwave dinner. and three new boxes of tea.
i picked up a bag of sun chips impulsively, even though i know they're dreadful, i remember looking at the nutrition facts and being repulsed... but i only got the chance for that to really sink in three seconds later, when they'd already been rung up.
i couldn't afford them, caloric-ly speaking.

my goal lately seems to be somewhere in the 800's. like 860 is tolerable, but lower is better. ....though there's always that voice telling me to be careful or my metabolism'll die and then i'll get fat.

anywho, so i began preparing that when i got home, and then there was some nonsense on the instructions about making sure things were thoroughly cooked with a food thermometer!
if i wanted to do that, i'd actually cook, goddammit!

anyway, i have a rather irrational fear of food poisoning - actually, it's probably not irrational, food poisoning is something to be avoided... but my fear is more intense than it needs to be.
so i got frustrated and my mother ate it instead. i had the sun chips. 280.
and then i fucking chipped my nail polish trying to get the plastic off a box of tea.


i had a terrible chocolate craving a while after so i went to get some... i really wanted a milky way bar, but i know pretzel m&ms are only 150 calories... weighing my options, i eventually worked out a stellar solution and could still afford them in my daily calories, though i'd have to do a bit more exercise....
except i bought the milky way, forgetting i'd worked it all out for the m&ms. a whopping 270 calories packed onto me.
so i went for a furious walk.
the milky way put me at a net of 1009, as shameful as that is. i got it down to 797, mostly by walking.

i know that's a lame story but it was really intense for me at the time.



i guess sleepytime tea really does the trick because i'm indeed sleepy....
or could be that it's 2:30 am.
but probably not.
i don't want to sleep.




i feel like my depression's coming back, or i'm doing a lousy job of repressing it.
it's that vague, teary dissatisfaction that wells up when i don't busy myself thinking of other things.
it feels heavier than air and it's weighing down my chest.
it's all too familiar.
ho hum

this sucks.

this is some kind of deja vu of a feeling i never needed to revisit.