"you're too light."

i went to see x-men: first class last night.

nicholas hoult is in it. though sadly he's got an american accent in it.

have you ever seen someone so beautiful and perfect it actually makes you want to cry?
that's nicholas hoult for me.
i like 'em tall, pale, skinny, and dark-haired, for the most part, and hot damn, he is all of the above. and oh, his beautiful blue eyes...

like i kind of feel resigned to a life of loneliness because who could ever match up to nicholas hoult's wonderfulness?


i'm sorry, he makes me fangirl like nobody's business.
gosh he's so beautiful

this is a picture of nicholas hoult in a bathtub; i no longer care about anything you have to say

.......moving on.



so i went with my friend and her boyfriend/also my friend (same people i went to a party with on my birthday, fyi). me and her boyfriend's greetings are always lovely and huggy (he is my friend, first and foremost) and so we hugged and he picked me up and twirled me around. it was awesome, i felt so light. and he's not even that strong.
he thought so, too. he kept insisting i was way too light. which, you know, i'm not. i'm back to 125. (carefully straddling the border...) but i liked him insisting it.


nicholas hoult aside (you know, as much as he can be), x-men was a very enjoyable movie.



i was contemplating eating dinner before i left, and i eventually tried to heat up this weight watchers microwave meal (swedish meatballs, 270 cal)... but the damn packaging says you're supposed to make sure the meal reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees. what is this trend?!
i fucking HATE dealing with food thermometers.
i put it in the microwave for the indicated time, checked the temperature, not good enough.
back in for another minute, not good enough.
back in for another minute, not good enough.
i tested the meatballs so much they all pretty much fell apart. and i burned myself. nearly started crying from frustration.
...so i ate the noodles, nothing else.

i wanted to eat the meatballs. but i couldn't do it. too afraid.

if microwave meals all start making you check internal temperature (which is ridiculous, considering they're ALREADY COOKED), i'm not going to be able to eat them anymore. yes, i know that i know they're already cooked, but the fact that they're telling me to check the internal temperature makes me afraid i have something to worry about.
and if i can't eat microwave meals anymore, well, i'm going to starve. that's like what i live off of. cereal, peanut butter and jelly, and microwave meals.



oh, speaking of my shitty eating habits, i got a copy of my blood test results from my doctor. (& apparently my cough'll go away in time, and my armpit stopped hurting the day i went to the doctor; it was obviously frightened.)
i don't speak medical so i don't understand a lot of it, but all the abnormal results were in bold.
my thyroid is definitely struggling to function at an adequate level. it's underactive. i don't need immediate treatment, but i should probably do something about it within the year, or more complications could arise.
i'm just afraid if i start taking synthroid and ever stop, my thyroid will have gotten lazy and be even slower than it already is. i don't want to be forever dependent on this damn medication.
i also can't take amphetamines on this damn medication, which means no more crazy adderall nights. and i'm going to college, so it would even mean no more crazy STUDYING adderall nights.

but at the same time... i'm so curious... how much faster would this weight come off if my thyroid worked properly...?


also, apparently i have high cholesterol. like, not actually, because it's barely outside the normal range and the doctor didn't even mention it. it was probably just affected by what i'd eaten that day... my therapist suggested that it could have been raised by the milk in my cereal, except i've just done research and since i refuse to put anything but skim milk into my body, i don't see how it could raise cholesterol, seeing as it's fat-free. but anyway.
still, the fact that it's at all outside the normal range makes me feel like a middle-aged fat man. because somehow i've gained the perception that all people with high cholesterol are middle-aged fat men. i know this is false. logical me's on vacation or something. but having even marginally high cholesterol makes me feel fat.

i brought this up with my therapist, who asked, in passing, not intending to wait for a response, if i have body issues now?
hahahahahahaha
like i'd get into that with him. i have a month and a half more with him before he goes on his shrink-vacation and i go off to college. like i'm going to let anything fuck this up.
i love that he's totally clueless. why wouldn't he be?
i mean, why would i go in there and actually talk about my issues? my body issues, that is. i'll talk to him all i want about drama in my life, about KW and HF, about anxiousness about college, about feeling worthless, about having no confidence... for the most part, though i would much prefer to ignore them. and even if i don't ignore some problems, why would i want to bring them up with someone who doesn't need to know, or doesn't have any inkling they exist?

what does he care if it takes me over 30 minutes to get dressed, because i spend at least 25 freaking out about how i have nothing to wear because everything's boring or doesn't match and it all makes me fat and it's unacceptable because i absolutely have to have to HAVE to look good, all the time? what does he care if i compulsively go for walks because i've eaten 100 calories too many? what does he care if looking at myself makes me cry?

this is proof my weight loss isn't noticeable.




my mom took me for a bra fitting, since when i last went shopping for them, my regular size 34B didn't fit properly... i got really upset, because who wants to go up in bra size, not in terms of cup, but in terms of band size? (i'm not the type who hates my breasts. i like my curves, i like looking like a woman - i just don't need to look like such a fat one.)
so we did this to clear up confusion...
apparently....
i am not at 34B, nor a 36B like i feared.
i am a 32C, and hot damn, i like it. even though nothing's changed. even though it's the same cup size. i feel like i'm cheating the system. muahahah.



oh
no beach this weekend.
maybe next?
maybe july.
it is so hard to coordinate a large group of people that all have different plans. two people have birthdays on back-to-back weeks.
it's okay though.
more time to get more perfect.

too light?
haha.
you'll see.
(...ribs, that is.)