de is really quite sweet

i don't know what's going on, i so don't.

i had a conversation with DE online when i got back to my room this evening.
i was still hung up on my sad feeling from earlier, so i talked to him about it a little. especially since when we were stealth-cuddling under the blanket watching how i met your mother, he had his arm draped over my stomach, and i was wearing a crop shirt over my high-waisted jeans, so my stomach was exposed when i was lying down. so his hand was right on my stomach.

and you guys know how bad stomachs are when you're lying on your side, right? i'm not the only one? AWFUL.

i was freaking out about it.
when we talked, i even asked him straight-up if he's actually attracted to me, my body. and he said he most definitely is.
and i was just so confused. i just do not understand. when i think about it i become so perplexed that completing sentences becomes difficult.

out of the blue i told him he had nice eyes (which he does, they're a pretty, pure blue, sometimes ever so slightly green). he complimented my smile, something i get very rarely. i honestly don't like my smile very much.

i worked up the nerve to ask him my other question - if he'd wanted to kiss me when we went for that walk the night i was freaking out, because once i'd calmed down and we were sitting outside the dorm, i kind of wanted him to.
he said that kind of, but he also wasn't sure what he wanted. and i know what that's like, cuz i felt the same way.
he said that he is glad that he eventually did kiss me.

we talked a little bit about his baggage (just that he has it) and how he's a private person.
i told him that if he ever did want to talk, or want to open up to anyone, i'm all ears. it's only fair, after all. he was glad i wasn't offended by his tendency not to open up (um, i'm used to it), and said that i'm definitely at the top of the list of people he'd trust to open up to.


then he said "for all of the boring town, for all of the girl drama, for all of the SW drama that's gone on since this year started...i wouldn't change a thing if it meant i wouldn't meet you."
and suddenly i was sitting here beaming at my computer screen. i told him i'd give him a big hug if i could reach him, so he came over to my section so i could do just that. at 2:15 in the morning.

and now we're texting and he said that i'm a good kisser so i brought up that we seem to have different styles and let's hope this conversation ends productively.


....i know it probably sounds like i'm totally into DE.
but, like i said, i honestly don't know what's going on. i don't know how i feel about anything.


i do know that suddenly i'm saying lots of things that sound like EB... how i'll never be better, how everyone gives up, how nobody can help me, and how i'm unsure of everything.
how did i get this way?



update: conversation appears not to be going productively. he told me that he'd noticed different styles, too. i said something like "i'm glad i'm not alone" because i didn't know how to tell him i'm not crazy about his, and he has not responded. opportunity wasted.