today was a productive day, at least where DE and i are concerned. academically not so much.
DE noticed my newest cut today. i think this is its third day? you do the math.
i ignored him noticing, kept watching how i met your mother. he whispered in my ear, "that one looks new."
we went on a walk later and he finally told me the thing he thought of the other night but refused to say.
he said that he finally felt ready for a relationship, if i wanted one. but he doesn't want to pressure me into anything because he is okay with what we are now.
we're leaving things as they are for now, but we did talk about us. too much to get into here.
i addressed the scars thing. turned out he'd noticed them a while ago but figured i didn't want to talk about them. i told him about my motivations, my history, and why i haven't stopped. he says that he understands that i can't just quit cold turkey, but asked if i would at least try to stop, and if i have the urge to cut i should go get him.
and that led to another conversation. because how would i go fetch DE if the reason i wanted to cut was, say, binging?
but then i finally told him my issues. it took about an hour of him coaxing me, telling me that i didn't have to be afraid, that he was there for me. quite a few times i stopped just short of opening my mouth to speak. the words were there, and yet i was paralyzed before i could say them. it was bloody terrifying. i feared that once i said them, i'd be giving up. how could i keep doing what i'm doing with him knowing what i'm doing? and why should he believe i have these issues when i'm so goddamn fat?
but finally i took the plunge. i got the words out of my mouth so i couldn't take them back. (how fitting is all of this, by the way, considering it's NEDA week?)
it's no secret that i'm weird about food, but i told him that i used to be worse. and i told him i was still struggling with wanting to get back there. it's a struggle to eat, and it's a struggle not to eat. i may be a healthy weight now, but i don't want to be.
when i was done explaining, he held me tightly. a few tears had begun to slide down my face. i looked at DE and was astonished to see that his face was as wet as mine.
i was moved by the fact that i'd moved him, touched that he cared that much, and even reassured that he believed me enough to actually cry at what i said. i was suddenly in awe of how sweet he is, and honored that he let me in enough to not hide his emotions like he usually does. he rarely expresses any emotions, even good ones, and i made him cry.
all those emotions hit me in an instant, but they cleared my tears right up.
he told me, tear streaks down his cheeks, that he wished i could see myself like he does, that he wished i could see how great i am, and beautiful.
when we were talking about my cutting, i asked how he could possibly want to date someone like me. with his hand holding mine and our fingers intertwined, he told me that i make him happy.
without trying, i managed to do for him what i wanted so desperately to be able to do for EB.
DE is sweet and caring and wonderful. i make him happy, and he actually wants a relationship with me.
i like him, i do... so why aren't i jumping at this opportunity?
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