happy discount candy day

so, valentine's day just ended.

fun fact! this is the first year i've actually kissed anyone on valentine's day.

i dislike valentine's day.

i also dislike voicing my dislike because i feel like people just assume you hate it because you're sad and lonely and have no one to spend it with but your cats.
but i just hate how it puts pressure on everything. it puts pressure on existing love to be perfect for a day whether or not it is, it puts pressure on those without it to find it... and when you fall short of the perfection that the holiday forces you to aim for, you're disappointed it wasn't the valentine's day you were supposed to have. it doesn't celebrate love, it stresses it. as cliche as it is, if you're lucky enough to have love, you should always be celebrating it. therefore setting aside a day to celebrate it only serves to highlight the lack of it in the lives of those who are single, or the flaws in the lives of those in bad relationships, or even simply imperfect relationships.


in ninth grade a friend and i decided that every year we didn't have a valentine, we'd wear black. we're not really friends anymore but that's become my tradition.
so this year, i wore all black, right down to my socks and underwear. i painted my nails a color called gunmetal, because it was too tempting not to do so.


and now i should be studying for a sociology test in less than 11 hours.


but i'm listening to music, and a song came on that i downloaded after hearing it at EB's over break.
it's so beautiful, so many parts of it are sheer perfection.

i dreamed you were a cosmonaut of the space between our chairs

and i was a cartographer of the tangles in your hair

but of course, it reminds me of EB.

lately i've been so confused.
conversations with DE can leave me grinning like an idiot, i enjoy our interactions greatly. my affections for him may be growing.
and yet i still remember and long for the pure intense love i had for EB this summer into autumn. i honestly don't know if it remains, and then i don't know what to make of its potential absence.
and if it is gone, will i ever feel that again?
the devotion, the appreciation of every "flaw" - even the things i never saw myself caring about became extra things to love about him.
and how can i now avoid comparing people to him? how can i now let go of those little unimportant things that added to my feelings for him? the things i never realized i liked until i liked them?
but then, i still don't know if they're actually gone...

you didn't write, you didn't call

it didn't cross your mind at all