oh, the shame.

i weighed myself and i'm so ashamed, so so ashamed and furious at myself and i don't know how i got here. i really don't. i hate myself aslfkjasdlkfjasdlkfjasdlfalksdjfksadjfk i'm a sick, selfish pig.
i don't want to say what my scale told me, i don't. it's not the highest but i just... no. no no no. no. no. no.


i'm freaking out again.

last night i had a can of soup for second dinner (even though dinner is usually my first meal of the day, so second dinner is really like lunch or something) and really wanted chocolate but then i talked to my friend DE and for some reason stopped wanting chocolate -
i remember.
he asked why i keep starving myself.
and i'm like
lolwut
i don't starve myself.
and he's like kinda, yeah. the whole skipping meals thing?
and i'm like
...i don't have a response
but no.


and then i decided i didn't want to talk about it and enthusiastically jumped into happier subjects like bunnies and rainbows and sunshine. and then i got a little crazy, perhaps a little manic. i was constantly twitching, constantly moving, sitting and wringing my hands like i used to when i went into food-freak-out mode and EB would hold my hands still and talk me down.
DE suggested we go for a walk, so i could get out some energy and so he could procrastinate studying for a quiz.

and so i was like okay but i'm warning you i'm absolutely insane right now
and he was like it's okay, meet you downstairs at 12.
and then i had a ten minute crazy dance party in my room until it was time to go downstairs. just to move and use energy. it also confirmed that i should never ever ever dance sober because it's not pretty.


when he came downstairs i was still listening to music and dancing a bit and then we started walking and i ran around a tree and back again and caught up with him and i just generally must have been really frightening.

eventually i calmed down, and we just sat and talked casually.


and now i have energy again because i feel so damn bad about my weight i just wanna work it off, work all of it off, get skinny and fit and not flabby and fat.


i just wanna be pretty.
i said that in front of DE when we were shopping at the supermarket the other day. he'd finished getting what he needed and so was just kinda following me around while i took my sweet time deciding between facial moisturizers cuz my acne wash is getting really drying. (any recommendations?)
and he said "but you are pretty."
and i just kinda said nothing.


i...forgot what i was going to say.
oh.
i didn't eat dinner today, although i went. i had a big lunch though... i wasn't feeling well this morning, really really cold and headachy and tired and it felt like my thyroid was still asleep or something. i did some google research in class and someone said they felt better after eating so i was like all right, i'll have my meal now instead. it helped, it did.
even though i weighed myself after not eating for... 7.5 hours, i still weigh a fucking TON. A TON.
so i think i will eat a granola bar like i used to on mine and AD's diet, to keep our metabolism moving. it wasn't a very good diet; we'd regain any lost weight as soon as we stopped, but i don't fucking give a rat's ass.

today a bunch of other people learned of my thyroid disorder and this one guy said i seemed like the least likely person at the table to have a thyroid disorder. another one said "but you're so skinny! how!"


I DON'T FUCKING GET IT
I DON'T FUCKING SEE IT
I'M LARD
PERSON-SHAPED LARD




i think i'm going to cut again.
but i have a package coming in the mail; it contains new dresses that just arrived at home. i want to wear them, so i can't cut on my arm.
fuck, it's so hard to be pretty. everything gets in the way of actually achieving it.